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Found 21 results

  1. Home, 2010 (countdown to final exams: less than 1 year) Under the pressure of the present, the future wasn't even in sight. And Doreen Virtue's oracle cards barely more than pieces of art. If I was to pick one deck as my personal favorite, I'd cough and excuse myself with my full schedule that would punish "laziness" severely. My brutal honest opinion? Them having been drawn by many artists make it way easier to "build your own oracle out of the cards". 3 - 4 styles in one set of 44... And why the rant? Because Hark's book made me give divination a 2nd look. Against my will. Since the discussion of Arthur Schnitzler's "Leutnant Gustl", over 1 year had passed, and dream interpretation had become an empty shell. I always loved symbols. Stuffing so many meanings into one short chain of syllables/ lines was like a wonder. *inhales sharply* Short-story. Diary entry. Confession. Slice of life. Mystery. The author's "Angel - Dream" has more than one genre. But suspense/ horror/ thriller?! A face is crystalizing out of an upper corner of the room. The narrator and reader are shocked. A parallel to angels' appearance in the bible. Words of another theologian about "al tirah" (Ancient Hebrew, "Do not fear!") as greeting come to mind: Angels - not only the Angel of Death - are frightening. So frightening that we watch men sinking down onto the knees, and the angel helping them to get up, saying not to be worth to be worshipped. The moment of shock is over; the aura of authority surrounding the angel, remains. It's this power to free from bonds, this energy ("spiritual manager", "low voice in [the] heart") that whispers wise sayings and admonishes to live a responsible life. Something "in the soul [which is not man- made and is a living being on its own]" (C. G. Jung). Similar to what Rose Ausländers has written in her poem "The Angel in You": "They [= the angels] cry about my darkness, and they are happy about my light." A reaction to human feelings that would be missed in the bible. I learnt that analyzing my dreams - which I have been doing since my earliest childhood anyway - wasn't a bad thing per se. But it wasn't a magical ability either.
  2. Hospital, 2011 (after graduation) "Woah! It's like 5 days of my life had been stolen", Mom commented after we having filled her in. If her "accident" was the last thing, she could remember... Again, I saw the tea - pot on the cooktop. How many spoons of sugar had she added to the chamomile tea?! Let her get 10 years older, and we will have to send her to a senior citizens residence! My eyes searched hers. "Mom, something needs to be done. Next time..." Mom interrupted me: "A nurse said, I cheated death." Should her crooked smile cheer me up? Horrible job, Mom. She lowered her voice so that my "father" would not hear. "See, I still got a mission." Yes, but that was the only point, we could agree on. If she only didn't waste her 2nd chance by helping me! I gave my "father" a questioning look. In the car, I was reflecting on the last books, I had read. 3 in one year? That was deflating. 📚 Helmut Hark: Angels on your Way - The message of our spiritual Companions. 📚 Günter Ewald: On the Trail of Near - death Experiences. Is there an immortal Soul? 📚 Todd Burpo/ Lynn Vincent: Heaven is for Real. Then it struck me. Mom and me had never chatted about the psychotherapist's and theologian's "new ways of communicating with angels", but we had ocassional discussions about the mathematian's collected conceptions of death. Many more hours had been dedicated to Colton's story, "by far the most moving and authentic report of a human's journey to heaven and return to the world of the living" in our eyes. Shortly after, Mom checked out of hospital; in the blink of an eye, she recovered. Did archangel Raphael have something to do with it?
  3. Home, 2011 (after graduation) All impressions of the Big Apple were clouded by Mom's hyperglycaemia. If we had stayed home... "Two days later, and she would not have survived." The doctor sighed. "I've never seen a case like this before." And his collegues nodded. Yes, Mom was alive - judging the tensed muscles that fought the straps tying her body to the bed, and the blue and green lines on the monitor to the left. "Mom?" My voice should never reach her. That's what is called "coma", the world between ours and afterlife. On the 3rd/ 4th day in hospital, the struggle against her ties were over. "Water." Her eyes were still half- closed, the gaze unfocused, but with a little help, she brought herself into a sitting position and drank. Suddenly, she tilted her head into my direction. "I know what you want to ask." She shook her head. I paled. Our relationship was more of the us - two - girls - against - the - world - type. Not meaning, I had no secrets; yet, I allowed myself to be a loudmouth around her and hold speeches, Martin Luther himself would be proud of. ("No polemic pamphlet", a teacher of mine wrote under one test and congratulated me on having made her laugh with my comment that the arguments of modern critics of religion were as enjoyable as cold coffee. They never got off their high horses, but lack the passion of F. Nietzsche, L. Feuerbach, S. Freud... Which makes taking them seriously extremely hard.) It was as if Mom's mind was jumping back to our last conversation on near - death experiences. I gulped and said nothing.
  4. Day Dream #10: Ticket to New York

    Manhattan/ New York, 2011 (after graduation) Dear psychologist, Do you remember the bet? "If I pass final exams, I'll send you a postcard from New York." The weather could be better, but our daily trips are fun. My "father" and me walk longer routes than we usually do at "home". Our longest? From the hotel (one corner away from Times Square) to Strand Books Store! Once back in Germany, I'll check my weight; I mean, eggs with bacon (and fresh orange juice) for breakfast, plain bagels for lunch, 2 small bottles of water, 1 big bottle of coke and 1 bag of Snickers before going to bed won't stay unnoticed. We only ate 2 hamburgers three times in our 12 days of vacation. And if I hadn't lost my trust in you long ago, I'd also tell you about the tears, I shed due to my anxiety to open my mouth and speak English as I've been taught 9 years and my father's pride of having learnt to order "a cup of coffee" within a couple of days. "Next time, I won't take you to USA with me!" He barked (in German), every word dripping with disappointment. But it's just "my" ADD running wild.
  5. More coincidences

    I'm seeing parallels between my past life and this life, particularly with my family members like my grandfather and my dad. I learned yesterday that my grandpa is part of an astronomy group and is actually friends with famous scientists. (Yes, I'm dead serious). He said he can take me next time he goes over there. I always had this need to understand how astronomy worked even when I was 5 years old. As for the father in the other life, he was a high ranking teacher, (I'm not 100% sure about this though, still questioning it using divination. I asked if my high ranking mentor was also my parent and it came up as a yes but I still question it) and my current dad was in the special forces. I'm fully aware that it can be a coincidence but I find all of the coincidences very funny at this point. A few weeks ago I questioned being some sort of oracle after reading up on the game files and what they were capable of doing. Then, a few days ago I remembered something I almost totally forgot about: I was about 12 years old and while I was watching the movie 300 and when I saw an oracle in it, I got hit with the sudden thought and scary sensation that I might have been some sort of oracle and psychic in a past life, but it wasn't from ancient Greece. At the time, I thought it was my wild imagination and anxiety acting up and decided to ignore it without a problem. It was the same scary sensation I felt when I found my third kintype. But when I remembered it now, I thought to myself "no way." I put this under my list of coincidences. (Bonus points for me really being 100% biologically Greek) It appears that my past life has parallels to Greek culture now that I think of it, but that's where it stops. If it is possible to choose which life you go into, then perhaps these above reasons are why I chose to be born here within this family group. A few days ago, my dad was telling me how I need to go to Greece because he claimed there is a part of me that I'm missing. He has no idea..... He also said that I will feel very nostalgic and feel like I've been there before. I can't even begin to explain to him that I feel that way exactly, but to a place that doesn't even exist in this universe. No, I don't feel homesick when I think of Greece surprisingly enough even though I feel like I should but I feel homesick when thinking about Shakuras or Auir, go figure. I know that homesickness isn't always a real factor for determining a kintype or a past life but I have to question my emotions. I should feel homesick over Greece, not a fictional planet. I can't tell if feeling homesick for those planets over a country on Earth is a sure sign of my past and future lives but I sense that it is. I told my dad I know how it's like to feel homesick to places I never been to before and vaguely mentioned that I see places in dreams. He responded and said that it's not the same thing because you're not physically there and dreams are only in 2d. The thing is that the dreams I had were 3d. It was as if I was really there and the scenery was stunning. It looks to me that not everyone gets these high resolution 3d dreams. To be honest, neither do I and it's very rare when I do. I asked the tarot cards if those memories were real, and I got a yes. I asked the question different ways on different days and still got a yes. I want to explain this to my dad to the full extent but it will sound very crazy and insane so I'll leave these experiences out. "Oh yeah, I lived in a fictional world in a past life and saw a few glimpses of it in my dreams. I also get really homesick over it and it impacts me now." If anyone is following my blog posts or for those who care (if there are any), I apologize for talking so much about this one specific kintype, as much as I hate calling it one because I feel it doesn't need a label. The things I found out about this changed my beliefs and philosophies way more than knowing I was a therian ever did. I still do get my canine and feline shifts even when I try to ignore them or tune them out but they are still there and are doing well. I always knew I was a therian before I knew the word. But these new experiences are totally something else. I forgot to mention-I brought runes for divination. I don't know how good I will be with them but it looks like I am starting to get the hang of it after a few hours. I remembered being mesmerized by runes from a young age, even though I had no idea what they were or what they meant. My mom used to have a stack/deck(?) of runes in a bag and I always liked pulling one out to see what symbol I got for fun without knowing that the symbol actually meant something.
  6. Day Dream #9: The Ball

    Hometown, 2011 (graduation) Studying. Repeating. Letting Mom ask me questions. Marking wrong answers. Notes. Puns/ Jokes to memorize stuff, I keep forgetting. Strong subjects: 1 hour, weak subjects: 2. New material (books, programs...) Months passed fast. No space for astrology in my head. As if the veils of colors weren't right in front of my eyes. The aura? The energy? I saw them, eyes closed. Spots of light. Dancing like a flame. Purple. Green. Purple. At first, I tried to manipulate them. "Yellow! Yellow! Yellow!" Purple. Green. Purple. On the way to the stadium: Red. Green. Red. Light seeping through my eyelids? Falling asleep: A rainbow. Rapid eye movement? (Silvery) White. Eyes opened. A benevolent (guardian) spirit?! Oh, I should have ignored the information and directions for use. But: It's the Pill! It's about my (human) body! My brain calmed down. Balls do not float. Balls do not follow you around. Rays of sunshine can let silvery objects shine so bright that they're mistaken for white ones. Ink stays on your fingers when you touch a fresh print. A grey circle on the photo. Welcome to the world of divination.
  7. Day Dream #1: Gifted?!

    High- School, 2010 (countdown to final exams: less than 1 year) Heart and brain are the worst inventions ever. Really. Someone should tell them that they are part of one breathing being, supposed to work together to keep one body alive. But it won't be me. I'm just a soul, too tired to argue, too old to fight against - well- myself. Bad enough that I... needed help to make it through school. Somehow.With average marks and a fake smile on my lips. Even worse, the moment, I had to confess: "I wouldn't have gotten so far if teachers hadn't put much trust into me", found the right words to encourage and unleashing "powers" I wouldn't have dared to search for within my very core. Nevertheless, I was... devasted by the question if I could be "gifted". No! I wish, I could have cried. Chances were... Impossible! Every fiber of my being broke out into a silent protest. "I'm only human!" On the other side, I was more than happy to learn that there was a reason for peers avoiding me. It wasn't my fault that I was a lone wolf. Finally, at home, tears were streaming down my cheeks.
  8. Day Dream #8: Foolish Knight

    Hospital, 2008 - 2010 Danger could lure behind the next corner. But hyperfocus makes blind for what's awaiting the carefree behind closed doors at their own four walls. A piercing scream through the dusk. That's how the drama began. Two days later, the bus that should never arrive. Did my worst nightmare turn into cruel reality? One call would reassure me that everything... ... was far from all right. It was early afternoon, and my brother in hospital. 6 pm. A deep breath. Just a few seconds and... The door stayed closed. No beloved pain in the neck was yelling into my room: "Night!" I fought against the tears. "Right, he isn't here." "Officially", my brother doesn't belong into an institution without any specialists; yet, it was decided to let him stay in the hospital for the amount of time, it would take to find a place where he can be treated. And it was urgent. Him, always a ray of sunshine, he was changing to the complete opposite: Stuff was broken, the staff as helpless as us. The little boy who used to sit on the stairs in front of the back door and carve statues of animals did not exist anymore. In his stead, there was that "old man waiting for death" as my father put it. I hoped, our love would reach him somehow and help him to recognize us. Meanwhile, I've figured out why it didn't.
  9. Day Dream #7: Invisible

    Hospital, 2008 - 2010 Documents are the last eye- witnesses, and even them will be ripped apart in 2 or 3 years (2019/ 2020). Time has healed. Scars will remain... Will I see them fading? The echo of the promise has been staying within my soul ever since: "I will pass the final exams and become visible to Mom and Dad again!" Is this... jealousy? Despair? Was I fed up and rebeled against my little - sister - role? Did I believe, I could make my parents smile? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. What I intended, was making them proud. I wanted to be their daughter. One, they would give some positivity. One, they would trust and cheer up: "You can make it!" Being the center of attention... no way, I'd suddenly be everybody's darling. My brother was. And it's my duty to protect him.
  10. Home, 2010 (less than 1 year 'till final exams) To break the cycle of thoughts, distract yourself. If you can. The (not so funny) thing about lessons of life: You can't escape them. Whatever you need to fullfill your purpose, you will face. Pick your tools. Most of mine are books, and not all of them in English. During the course of the past two years (2015 - 2017), rough German - English translations have become a habit of mine. For one reason: A weird taste of literature. You may correct me if the "reviews", wording... resemble a published work. It's pure coincidence. (Honestly, I don't even follow new trends in local book shops so what would I know about those in other countries?) Oh, I remember more than 90% of my lectures in such details like the wand maker Olivander "every wand [he] ever sold". (Olivander, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone) A burden, but I'm working on an optimistic attitude. Hard. Have been doing so for around 15 years. Among those books having left a deep impression, one holds a special place in my heart. I owe it so so much. Like a new angle on prayers. Protestants, against our claim to let people more room for creating personal rituals, would probably rather see Christians folding hands and hear them repeating traditional bible verses on Sunday morning than talking to Arch-/ Guardian Angels. Opposed to Catholics, who are very versed in keeping words towards God's son and (celestial) servants where they're more than less reachable to young and old. I've never thought about my own that much. Or not enough, considering the bond to Archangel Gabriel that has been "simply existing" since my year of birth (1992). But growing up, Michael's and Raphael's role in my life was getting bigger. And isn't it said, God has more creative ways to send messages/ communicate with humans than anyone/- thing else? Was it in high- or middle school, it was the first time, I heard of C. G. Jung (1875 - 1961) and his theories on symbolism in dreams? Whatever. They were so impressive, something, I could better agree on than those of Sigmund Freud (1856 - 1939). Everyone secretly dreams of getting laid.😝 An author's suggestion to intensify the relationship to our shield, teacher, advisor, guide and healer, "inner voice" warning us, and treat "our" angel as companion on our way, is it another invitation to shake one's head and ridicule something beyond comprehension? I, myself, learnt to love Andrea del Verrochio's (1435/ 1436 - 1488) / Leonardo da Vinci's (1452- 1519) painting of Archangel Raphael and Tobias (around 1470 - 1475) with its parallels to the tale of Cupid and Psyche (Eros and Psyche). One work that directs the audience's attention to the potential closeness of angels and human soul as it finds expression in dreams. A code which needs to be deciphered.
  11. Day Dream #5: Every Kid needs one Name

    Home, 2016 (less than a year 'till final exams) Earth Angels. 50%. I looked out of the window. What was missing? I should be happy. One secret of my past was pulled into the day light! Why would spiritually grown up beings from foreign planes care about... humans? How should their "wisdom" - one not from this planet- inspire settlers of Earth to keep the blue pearl alive? Destroying is so much easier... Not to mention that a human body lacks certain functions to perform species- specific magic. Yes, they do produce heat, but you won't witness an angry woman in her mid- twenties throwing fire balls around physically. I could have said, it's none of my business. Finding anyone to support my "hidden"/ "sleeping talents" before the beginning of the exam phase was no option. My mother - though Catholic-accompanied my older brother and me to the Protestant Church. More than less on a regular basis whereas my father, a Protestant, would go on great days only (not actual holidays, the limited occassions when the whole family - more blood relatives than you're aware of- gathers to celebrate a member's first step to a new part of the circle of life regarding birth, childhood/ puberty, adulthood and death). I could have talked to her. She had both an open mind and ear. Always. Our theological discourse always lasted for hours. Asking her for advice on esoteric matters was like asking for her agreement of me reading the Book of Revelation without her being around. An odd contradiction to the amount of times, we used to stop by at... you guessed it... an esoteric shop. Tarot. Pendulums. Chrystals. And so on. Very soon, the air was getting colder.
  12. Day Dream #4: Hands Off!

    Home, 1996 If only there wasn't a tiny problem... Everything, I touch, breaks. Can anybody fix? Nope. Curiosity may not always kill the cat... Never tell anyone why you keep your distance to technical devices. "Don't be silly! We're living in the 21st century" - I wish, I didn't - "You are an adult!" - On the papers only! - Yep. One that's rather save than sorry. Guys! I'm looking like a vampire, I know! Tired, yes. Yet, a l i v e! So what? Age is not a number. Otherwise, I wouldn't have pulled at the magnetic tape. Oh, those "cogs" out of plastic! Absolutely fascinating! Oh, me fool! If only I had put more trust into technology! I didn’t want to make sure that everything worked. I was experimenting on how it worked. Brother, I'm sorry. In that night, dozens of audio tapes lost their voices. Forever. (I was forgiven, my brother still loves me and asks me to switch on a DVD - player🙈.)
  13. Day Dream #3: Shadows of Light

    Home, 2010 (countdown 'till final exams: less than a year) While my parents were having a little chat with my teachers and stating their worries about the amount of hours that I spend at my desk, I sat in my room, hands shaking as my fingertips were tracing over the letters on the book cover: Earth Angels. I took a deep breath. When I was a kid, my grandmother gave me the one or other tarot reading and showed me the hidden world's map in the pattern of our bathroom floor. But this had been the only brief excourses into the realm of the invisible so far. Whoever identified the gifted as Indigo Children did a great job. Once both phenomens were linked to eachother, seperating was like teaching a cat not to hunt mice. Was it Doreen Virtue? Her guide was the last piece of the puzzle that should burn the chain of association "Earth Angels- Indigo Children" into my mind forever. In the light of year 2012 and the end of the Maya calendar suspense was increasing. Apocalyptic- themed literature was consumed like there was no tomorrow (pun intended). A chaotic scenario that made me wonder how Christ's return would look like. A situation where the wish for one messiah is understandable; whereas I couldn't help but shaking the head about "teenagers and young adults" who would save the planet by becoming teachers and instruct humanity how to live in peace and harmony with nature and neighbors. A fascinating concept. "Light- workers" leaving their home realm to heal wounds caused by humans. An easy concept. Old souls reincarnated hundreds of times who have improved wisdom and (magical) skills to serve creatures that they could despise for good reasons rooting in an ancient past and verse. Naturals when it comes to spirituality at any regard. "An excuse for spoiled brats to get whatever their hearts desire." After finishing the quiz, I closed the book. "An Incarnated Angel, huh?" True. I want to help people and I do not have a clue how to. "I fear, I'lI have to do more than laying my hands on someone else's back and send energy."
  14. I am a harsh skeptic of everything, including myself. I look at my arguments from many perspectives and angles and use those counter arguments to form my basis better, even if it means changing what I originally thought. I’m aware that I can be wrong, right, somewhere in the middle or all three simultaneously. Anyway, this topic has been really been biting me and I really felt like talking about it and writing about it to get it out of my system. I mentioned bits and pieces of my experiences so far but never actually went into great detail in it. I want to start this essay by bringing up the fact that humans don’t want to accept the fact that they don’t understand everything and look for answers to prove their own beliefs. It’s important to note that there are things that exist beyond human or mortal comprehension because of its complexity. There are many things that we can’t comprehend such as infinity, reality, and existence. (And the song ‘Infinite Dreams’ comes on as I write this sentence. GG) Quantum mechanics doesn’t make sense and works oddly, yet it exists. A particle can move in a line and move in a zig zag simultaneously. A big basis on my philosophy and reasoning is the theory of the conservation of mass. You can never stop existing. Our essences and souls have been created the moment the big bang of this universe was created based on this theory. But other universes exist, perhaps independently of each other. But this thought is just a guess. Thirdly the basis of infinity states that everything exists. Every single reality and thought exists somewhere, such as it existing or emerging from within your own mind. It is impossible to comprehend this with a human mind because a human mind has its limitations. I think that Plato’s philosophical theory on a realm where base thoughts and ‘forms’ exists explains the workings of the mind and the universe quite well. Thoughts are in a plane all within themselves that exists outside of our space and time. Even though the human mind has limitations, the creations and thoughts that emerge from it are infinite. The proof of other realities exist when those thoughts and ideas emerge from your mind. If it has been thought, it exists. Perhaps even other thoughts that haven’t been thought exist somewhere waiting to be discovered. Saying that only one universe exists contradicts the theory of infinity and reality. Then, you must also question what is real and what is false. Reality and consciousness in of itself is a miracle. I have never astral projected but what other people tell me of their experiences, the theory of there being a multiverse looks promising. Even though the approach I have is unscientific and unproven, I believe that souls exist when you have the theory of conservation of mass. Your soul is energy and is unbound by laws of macro-matter. There is a separation between physical matter and energy. Energy is within everything physical. I consider this energy to be the soul. I am spiritual, that is true. But should spirituality and hard science be treated differently or as different sides of the same coin? I didn’t believe in coincidences when I was in my early teens yet everything kept piling on top of each other and coincidences just stopped being coincidences. There are many coincidences that I can’t really list off of the top of my head. Well, one example is the song I was listening to while I was writing the first paragraph. I had no idea what song it was or that it would come up next yet moments after I write the sentence: “There are many things that we can’t comprehend such as infinity….” The lyrics go “infinity is hard to comprehend.” Ironic that a coincidence like this would emerge at a time like this. Another example are tarot cards. Sometimes when I ask the same question, I constantly get the same card, even though the chances of getting that card in a tarot deck that has 76 cards using a 3 tarot spread 1/73 even though it shuffled and picked at random. At first, I was skeptical but then I realized that it’s surprisingly accurate and for reasons that can’t be explained. A couple of weeks back on vacation I was drawn to a tarot deck and when I went to pick it up, I realized that it was exactly what I needed. It was a tarot deck that was themed around the universe, infinity and the metaphysical. Which was exactly what was going through my mind at that time. Another thing is that at the same time I was going through this, someone I talked to had a very similar thing going on when I mentioned it, though we are technically enemies in that other life. What are the chances of meeting someone else at this moment in a random rping community that originally had nothing to deal with the universe in question? Looks like I’m the only one on the internet with this kintype too, amazingly. (There are probably others who don’t mention it or don’t know). Spirituality and science should exist hand in hand. Science explains what is tangible and everything that exists in the physical world. I believe the soul carries prior knowledge of the intangible and it is through your inner voice, consciousness, feelings and sensations that you can use to make sense of it. We were all born in a human body as a blank slate (for the most part, at least) with no knowledge of what came before that moment. I compare it to being hit with amnesia, and I am an amnesiac that is trying to get my prior memories back through sensations, meditation, dreams and deja-vu’s. My essence, or core knows a lot more than I do but it’s up to my human brain to interpret it and detect it. Trust me, I was skeptical of some fictionkin at times but my experiences has forced me to reconsider. I am not any ‘canon’ or specific character but I am my own individual among that species. I can defend a fictionkin only if they say that they are a specific character when they do their research correctly and have good evidence to support their claim. I believe that a soul can fracture and split (twin souls) so maybe that is an explanation for doubles. But I don't know much about being an actual character, so I can't speak much about it. Never have I looked at a fictional world and thought to myself “this feels like it’s happened before” or “I felt that I’ve been here.” My inner mind (my unconscious self) spoke to me and said things along the lines of “it’s because you were.” At that point, I was thinking of myself to be quiet and shut up because of how insane the thought was at the time. I don’t believe I consciously wanted to believe it or think it. The thing was, that I didn’t even have these thoughts or feelings as an impressionable little kid. It is now in my adulthood that I feel this. At first, I was in denial, embarrassed and hated myself for thinking it. But one and one became two, then two and one became three, etc…..It kept adding up indefinitely the more I thought about it. The sensation that came next felt like a god damn sledge hammer hit me on the top of my head. The similarities were uncanny. The phantom, mental shifts, my mannerisms fit everything to a T. Even more so than my therian identity. I knew that I felt something resembling horns and knew that my third kin type had something to deal with justice and judgement (I mean it’s even in the name of my occupation) And I just realized the latter two days ago. Even when I fight with my bo staff and practice fighting moves, the movements I do feel so fluid and natural as if I have always done them, when I didn’t. If I think about what to do, I stiffen up and get confused, but if I let myself just go with the flow, I move much better. The coincidences keep adding up. I had these thoughts and impressions even before I knew anything about the story/lore. These impressions I got the more I read about the fictional world just kept adding up until it led to an avalanche. I also compare these impressions as handprints in sand (okay, I was at the beach when I was thinking this through). In this life, all I see are these hand prints in the sand with no idea whose or what sort of hand it was. But once I place my own hand over the handprint, it was a perfect match. Hard data and logic has its uses a lot of the time, and I am a very logical person regardless, but there are some things and experiences that logic cannot explain. Those experiences are the dreams I had that felt real. All of those realistic dreams had the same theme. I was surrounded by very good friends who I missed dearly when I woke up because of how real they felt, and I was acquiring weapons, jewelry and some sort of armor. These type of dreams have been recurrent in my life from as young as 5 years old. Even with all of the potential opposing arguments against the fallacy of my arguments, I feel like I have too much spiritual ‘’evidence’’ that shows that I am near the truth. I feel like my sensations, memories and feelings help point me in the right direction even though hard logic can’t prove it because of how intangible it is. I think that is the potential flaw that hard science and experimentation has. I do believe that your inner self, or essence knows things that you consciously don’t know and the only way to extract this knowledge is by inner introspection and observation which is far from easy.
  15. Tarots and Memories

    I honestly don't know if I'm meditating right but what I do is close my eyes and listen to music and detect what thoughts and images come to me without guiding or directing it. (Turns out one image I had which was this green maze-like thing actually exists in the game as a statue. LOL!) So an image of a gravestone popped in my head, something told me it was a teacher. Then when I thought of how they died, I saw a little signal that represented an explosion or fire. After this, I went to the tarots and asked if my assumption was right. All positives and yeses. Today, I got together my selenite crystal and began to ask the question more thoroughly, to see if I was right and to apologize for forgetting. I took a picture of the results so I can remember, and it looked very promising. There were zero negative cards. Then at the end, I mentally said thank you, and pulled out the king of pentacles. Which I interpreted as a "No problem! ^.^ " I caught a sense that he was beaming so that little emoji suits it. As I age and get more experience with this life I'll probably be much better at this. I might be a bit odd and eccentric, but I'm not delusional. I am caught up with reality. I realize from an outside perspective or from a dogmatic non spiritual one, it sounds crazy. That's why I am very quiet about these things irl save for my mom who understands.
  16. Stemming from the age-old line 'but you only found your identity after finding your source material', I was wondering how many had experienced things such as shifts, feeling, even memories of their source before even getting near it. Not having seen many who say this myself, I was curious. -- With myself, you've probably seen me mention numerous times how I believe that my own instincts/reactions match up pretty close to what happened in canon events, without much/any prior leaning (heh, you think out in Saudi Arabia I knew anything about being trans? I wish I had). I've bored you all enough about my personal feelings towards London... Some things I can't explain that were just so strong and so natural to follow. Granted, I didn't experience shifts before that time, nor any memories (dream or otherwise), so I really didn't have much to go on. Like they say, things seem to click into place, I guess. As utterly weird as that sounds.
  17. Artifacts

    I brought a karambit knife off of the internet. At the time I got it just because it looks cool. But once it came from the mail. I felt drawn to it somehow.The same type of 'drawn to' as the selenite crystal I got last week. It was then that I realized the knife pretty much hit two kin types with one stone sort of deal. The knife was shaped like a claw(for my feline type) and it shone and had a similar hue to the alien's blades.Maybe it's similar to a blade I once had. Honestly when all of this new knowledge and epiphanies pile on top of each other, that's when it stops being a coincidence and the less and less I doubt it. I want to carry it with me for self defense, but I can get into trouble like that so all I can do is leave it home. I feel whole with it like with the crystal when I first got it. Those dreams I mentioned weren't just dreams. Even from the time I was 5, they had the same theme to it. I was obtaining some artifact of power and when I see artwork of my kin type's ceremonies, I feel a pang of sad bittersweet nostalgia.
  18. Epiphany

    I'm not so sure what happened with my previous post, but it looks like it's been lost on the website. But I feel now that I can go in more detail about my third type, even though I am way too timid and shy to actually say it. (Basically an alien fictional species). Hell, I'm even too shy writing this out. I physically can't bring it upon myself to spell it out or write it out. But if someone else say that is their kintype as well? I am going to be asking a shit ton of questions to learn and compare experiences with them and only then I might speak about it. It looks to me that it's very rare, which is a nice change for once seeing how I'm a wolf therian. I was in denial at first, telling myself that it can't be right. At first I thought I was just hearted with them, but as I kept going on, I realized that the way they move and the way they look matches with how my mind perceives my body. It was then when I started to sense little hints of self. I was in denial for a few days until I began to accept it. At first the phantom shift felt very wrong because of how different they look (their faces in particular) look different from a human's...or anything on earth for the matter. But when I finally adjusted and warmed up at this awakening, I managed to feel comfortable within the shift. Those cameo horns I felt on my head? They weren't horns at all, but something similar to a head plate instead. Feeling like I'm walking bipedally on two legs? I thought at first that I was mixing up my human form and my animal forms but then I realized that it wasn't necessarily that. As I went deeper in the lore, I began getting this sense of it feeling real instead of fiction. I even had a small brain fart last night when I was half asleep and thought to myself as I was browsing the internet: Why are people treating this like a game? Oh. I realized my experiences fit the kintype like a shoe. Now, that was an awakening. The epiphany, sensation and shock was so intense that it made me anxious for a few days until the shocking sensation went down. It felt like I just solved a huge problem or found a difficult answer. I found 10 possible traits that point to that kintype and once I mulled it over my head, I knew. Not once have I felt so sure and confident about a kintype and I am normally very skeptical, probably a little too much. I have no memories so I have to try this method that I like to think of a hand print or a foot print. You have to figure out who or what the print belongs to, and it's hard to tell at first, it can be anything. But once you find it, it's a perfect 100% fit. A lot of the traits may seem like nothing at first but when I added them altogether, I felt like I got hit with a sledgehammer in the head. I am seldom ever THIS confident and sure about anything. I found a selenite crystal at a store that lured me or interested me some how. I don't know why. I never felt a strong pull from a crystal like that. But when I researched what the crystal meant and its properties, it made perfect sense that it would be calling out to me at a time like this. It deals with the crown and the third eye chakra as well as past lives. It was EXACTLY what I needed. But I know there isn't anything scientific about the crystals, but the coincidence felt so weird and unreal. So, I'm left thinking that the universe works in ways no one can understand or prove with science. It was a couple of hours later that I realized that the new species I am also work a lot with crystals. It can be a coincidence but seeing how everything I said happened, it felt too uncoincidental especially if I found it at a time like this. I still feel my other two therian types, but it's on hold at the moment because of this new type. On another note, I brought a coyote jawbone from a store to help me a bit with species dysphoria. Even though I'm not a coyote therian, the jawbone was close enough to resemble a wolf's jawbone, if not smaller. So when I put the jaw bone against my actual jaw, it felt like it was a part of me or that's how my face/skull should look like. The universe is really really weird.
  19. Well I still can't fully grasp the concept that I was fictional characters, like they're made up yet I clearly remember living as those characters. I do believe in the multiple universe theory but I think multiple dimensions would work better which would explain how there's multiple people claiming they're a certain kin. Example I'm Hunk Golion from Voltron Legendary Defenders and there is others who are him too so in one dimension I lived as Hunk and in another dimension the other person lived as Hunk too, we have things in common like both of us piloting the yellow lion but there's differences between us. I think what I explain for multiple dimensions is the multiple universe theory. I think I have made a blog on how I listened to my instincts on my Barry Burton thing, I originally thought that he was a kindred spirit but nope he's an ID meaning I'm literally him and in a constant mental shift as him. Yesterday [7/28/17] I was talking to my friend on Discord and we were talking about the Samurai Edge and I said: "My Samurai Edge had a long barrel, I mean Barry's version....... (Sweat drop emoji) She replied: "Lol you need to get that under control gets awkward." I replied: "I know I know it's hard because he's an ID and I'm in a constant mental shift as him." If you love Resident Evil in general here's a funny memory I had. Chris went to S.T.A.R.S wearing a blue shirt and black sunglasses that were specially to be cooler than Wesker's. There was a bet going around to see how long it would take Wesker to smack Chris. Wesker's face was priceless and when I remember that I laughed so hard that I saw stars from the lack of oxygen. I found Chris who introduced me to Jake, it's so nice to talk to them. I have a Resident Evil Kin Discord so if you're RE kin comment on this your name and number I'll send you an invite. France is still around helping me with my self esteem, he likes to get into arguments with England who's my friend's headmate.
  20. Reevaluating

    Reevaluating Jesus Christ if I knew being Otherkin was so hard I wouldn’t have discovered I was one in the first place. But here we are, no going back, just endless essays trying to explain who I am only to never be finished or see the light of day on my personal or kin blogs. Yet I write, it must help me in some way. It is much easier than meditation: it takes less time, I am often too busy watching anime to sit down and close my eyes, all that jam. But every time I go and mediate I think “hey, this is pretty cool and it has helped me a lot, I need to do this more!” than I don’t. I did some today though, starting to confirm a Kintype, denied a Kintype, and found out that two of them are just cameos I put too much attention on. Let’s start with the latter as those were the ones that gave me the idea to write them: Toriel and Blue Diamond. You know a Kintype is a Kintype by that core feeling in your heart. I just never got those from these two. I mean I did, then they poofed and I didn’t want them to poof so I started to do whatever I can to keep them as me. That didn’t work. I will not deny the memories as being real, as many have claimed to have gotten memories from cameo shifts, but they are real in the sense that my brain perceives them as real. That real in terms of proven or imaginary I am still unsure about; but the thing I know to real is that at the end of the path where I should see myself there is nothing more than just a faint mist of who I want to be and who I have tried to be. Next lets go to the Denied one. That one is the Kobold one. This is where my imagination went wild. About three to four years back I wanted to create my own world. So I went onto FantasyNameGenerators, brought up the Alien species name generator, chose one that sounded cool, and created the species from the body up. It wasn’t until after it was made, and after I joined the Tumblr Otherkin community of “Have many Kintypes that are unique, or go home” that I consciously took on that species as a Kintype. It didn’t last long, until now that is. In all reality I had no Kinfeels to the SAO Kobold outside of wanting to fulfill that past image of me. Now onto the one that I am starting the trail of confirming. That of course is the Werewolf Kintype I have been talking about for the past forever. The wolf connection started right when I entered the community, as seeing that everyone has a wolf Kintype, and I decided that my Fursona would be my Kintype (the thing that described me at the time that I could relate to being nonhuman with). Time went on I discovered it to be more of a Coyote, than a Coyote Soulshard. But like all good stories start, the feelings of wolf-ness did not go away. I guess it started with the Twilight series, as I watch them change from wolf to human to wolf, that I found a relation to (still Team Edward!). Then about a week or two ago I joined vampire and werewolf roleplay and it felt somewhat right. It has lead me down a path that I am not annoyed about following. One clear sign of something being a cameo or not for me is if I get easily frustrated at it for not being simple, but with the werewolf I am a bit frustrated but it is more of an amused “alright I’m getting ya, what’s next?” sort of frustrated. Thought I should just post that. And I actually finished it. Wow.
  21. (I may go off on a tangent here and there, so please bear with me.) I’ve been looking forward to the Final Fantasy VII remake since the day it was announced; I actually get some overwhelming emotional torrents when I watch the teaser trailer. Let’s just say that I love FFVII with all my heart, soul, and mind; like how I love Pokemon, Legend of Zelda, and StarFox. This game rose through the ranks so quickly when I played it for the first time. It was like finding a long-lost friend. Months prior to getting my PS1 and a copy of FFVII, after watching Advent Children, something in my head said: “You’ve gotta get this game!”, and, surprisingly, my heart chimed in with “You need this!” So I got it, played it, and loved it. Even though it’s been sitting idle for a year since then, it still speaks on a special level to me. To this day, I still don’t know why. When the remake teaser was shown, I laughed, screamed, and even got choked up when the word “REMAKE” came onto the screen. Will I get the remake? Hell yes I will! I’ll get a PS4 and a copy of the FFVII remake; even if the PS5, or PS2000 comes out. This game is something that I’ve loved since the first hour I’ve played it. That being said, someone told me that I could be fictionkin, (Something something..."You could be kin with Cloud Strife.") but I doubt it. Anyways, I just thought I'd share my feelings! Thanks for reading!
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