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Found 8 results

  1. Well, I suppose I should write a blog post documenting all that I recalled yesterday evening. I'd decided that I had enough small snippets of memories to attempt to stitch them together into some sort of narrative. Originally I didn't even think I had much of a 'personal' timeline, myself being from the original core point meaning that I am all timelines and interpretations in a way, though despite this I always knew that some telling resonated with me far stronger than others. Yesterday was the day I realised alongside being all versions, I also have my own personal timeline. This blog entry shall be a raw summary of my timeline from as much as I can remember, this was all written 'as' I was working through it and remembering, so it's a little disjointed, but it should still remain readable. There will be mentions of death and violent imagery in this blog entry. Our life prior to Yui was mostly the same, however we have the ability to change into large bat forms come full moon which we learn to do around puberty. I don't know if Cordelia's heart was placed into Yui as before however. She never possessed Yui as in HDB. (Actually maybe? The taste of her blood was the same.) I remember burning the village as a child, venturing into the human world for the first time I had little idea of where to go, just an idea of where Edgar went. I set fire to the stable after letting go the horses. The houses were mostly made from wood, but it was dark, and I didn't venture far in. I ran off as soon as I started the fire, I didn't even look back. I know I lose Yui, not that she was ever bound to my route anyway. There was no single route as like with the games. It was much more fluid and 'natural'. She was only with me a short time, and was soon taken by Shu. I tried to take her back... I didn't care for her, but knowing Shu had her was too much to bare. Tensions rose, but rather than me trying to kill Yui as I do in Shu's route, my conflict with Shu rose instead. Under the full moon we took up our bat forms and clashed. Shu almost crushed my skull between his jaws, but I impaled his with my scythe claw. Yui was not around, I only remember the triplets watching.. She might have been unconscious.. asleep? Tied up? I never found out. After killing Shu I knew father would take notice. I was filled with so much raw emotion... It was overwhelming, and the night was still young, so I took wing to the nearest human town and I attacked it with fire. After a time a vampire hunter had started to hone in on my position, and he found me on the rooftop. His attempt to kill me failed and I flew back into the sky where Subaru engaged me, tackling me at speed. I had no quarrel with him, but he did with I, and his fury was unmatched. He attacked me again and again while screaming his outrage at my murder of Shu. Eventually I managed to talk to him enough to stop, fighting in his batform in the air wasn't his style anyway, he hated that form. Reminded him of what he wanted to escape. The fact he'd changed into it at all showed his rage at my actions. This is as much as I had known/remembered previous to yesterday, but I found that through writing everything out linearly it helped to set in motion the memories of what happened there after, and so the following was taken from what I saw yesterday evening. Ruki and Kou were watching me from a rooftop and a crossbow bolt flew past my head so I flew down to investigate them and ask who they were, changing back into my vampire form. However I didn't get far till Subaru in his bat form followed, crashing down aiming for me. I stepped back in time and tried to reason with him while he was snarling at me and the Mukamis were standing to my left. I don't remember the words. I tried to convince him I was doing it due to father's plans to divert his rage elsewhere, he didn't become convinced but it was confusing enough for him to question his choices till.. A bolt from the hunter earlier flew into Subaru's head. Up through the jaw through his muzzle.. His face changed so suddenly, from that of anger, of pain and confusion at me to a wide opened eyed dead expression. With enlarged pupils like that of a dead fish, it was so fast. I'm confused. I don't know if I'm in denial of him dying or not, that sudden face change, that instantaneous loss of life. Where once there was life and now there is no longer.. It's something I've seen in this life many times. It's something you never get used to seeing. The hunter's Seiji. I remember him now, the hunter I made a deal with to kill my mother, and who promised to one day kill me. He shoots me next while I'm still stunned from witnessing Subaru get shot, it hits me on my left top side of my chest, just under my collar bone. I don't really feel it at first, I'm more furious at him possibly having killed Subaru. I'm torn to run away or fight, I don't know which to do. My emotions are pulling at me to fight but like this I'll lose. I can't give into the same rage that already got Subaru shot. No, I have to live. I hate myself for it as I run towards Ruki and Kou. They step out of the way but it's just enough cover for me to escape off the side off the roof. I turn into my small bat form, causing the bolt to fall free from me onto the ground as I limp-fly away to hide in some small roof space to rest. The hunter doesn't find me. I stay there for many days, slowly healing from my injury. I go out at night in my small bat form to collect herbs to help with the healing as the poison on the bolt was trying to seep into my system. I'd nested in the roof of an elderly couple.. no, two elderly ladies. I remember seeing them in their living room by the fire in the evenings as I'd wake up. I was on my own now, I can't go back. I don't even know if Subaru is still alive, and without my medical assistance.. He may very well be dead. The only other who might have saved him would be father, which he'd likely hate. He doesn't give without taking something in return anyway. Blood would help me recover faster, and though these elderly ladies aren't my prime choice, in this life or death situation they are better than nothing. I pose as a visitor in the evening, I greet them and ask if I can come in for I have some wears I'd like to sell to them. Seemingly appreciative of the young company I'm welcomed in kindly. They're free with their comments about my appearance, though one is more reserved than the other, and she stays in the kitchen more while the other talks with me in the living room. Speaking with humans is not something I've done at length before, and keeping my tongue in check is difficult, but I manage to get one lady on her own long enough to ensnare her with my eyes. Her body freezes up and I have to bite into her wrinkly neck. It's not pleasant, but the blood is life giving for me. I quickly finish up before the other returns, and the lady I fed from is freed from her spell as I excuse myself to leave. I think.. I meet her again. A long time after. I think she came looking for me, in the forest. I'm not sure when, but I remember guiding her back home(?) I'm not sure why I'd be so much kinder then.. There's a lot I don't recall yet. There are still scatterings of memories at points I'm not sure where they connect, I couldn't continue attempting to recall due to the stress from learning about Subaru's possible death.. as an indirect result of my own selfish actions. This is a heavy burden to learn of. Maybe it is better I don't remember? But that feels disrespectful to those I effected, to my family. I'll continue trying to piece the fragments together, not just for my sake, but so I can also take responsibility for my own actions there in this life. Things I still need to figure out: - Who are Ruki and Kou in this timeline? What are they doing with Seiji? Are they even connected? - Who is the elderly woman in the forest?
  2. She Made Rachel Cry [Daily Life #9 - March 6th, 2019] Content Warning: Some mention of trauma, anxiety, slight mention of wanting to end self. Comments: Open (Zack's POV) Zack: "Oh so, about today. Rachel was already not feeling too great about going to her psych testing appointment this morning. She was exhausted from being out in public; last week at social services and at her normal therapy session the day before yesterday. However, she went. The cab drive there and the wait was fine. She got to meet with her ummm... her doctor (there is no title for this person), I guess, early. Now, here's where all the crap started to happen. Rachel and this woman had already done a large portion of the test (the test that needs to be done and handed in to get approved for further testing - to see if Rachel has anything neurological going on for her). This session was to finish up any more questions before it would be sent in. Just to remind everyone, this is NOT her therapist but the person she speaks with about the psych testing. So, she answered some questions her doctor (yeah, we'll call her doctor) had which was alright at first but then things began to go downhill when she asked about me and my hobbies and interests. I told Rachel to just tell her everything. She did. There was long pause, and I could tell that the doctor was taken a bit back about it. She kept prodding Rachel to explain what she would do if... ummm... how should I say this... end herself. Like if she were to do it, does she know 100% that she would be with me in another life? This is what got her upset. She said that she wanted to see me in her next life and that she really did not like to think about the possibility of there not being an afterlife because it makes her cry (which she began to tear at this point). The doctor kept prodding her to answer things like, "What would you do if you couldn't be with Zack?" Rachel didn't want to answer and kept crying but the doctor didn't stop. Rachel would tell her that she didn't know and not say anything else. The doctor seemed annoyed at the fact that all Rachel could tell her is "I don't know" and told her to find a new phrase to say which triggered Rachel's memories of her mother saying the same thing which made her cry more. At this point, the doctor just threw words into her mouth. If she couldn't be with me then "You'll be alone". Zack is like this thus "He can't do that.", "Your son (RuffyTheFluffhog) is like this..." well, you get the point. I had about enough of this bull crap. I have a feeling that Rachel may get diagnosed with DID or OSDD solely on what she's answered during this psych test appointment, which is fine. It won't change how I interact with her. Now I'm not done. She did ask a very weird question about why I, Zack, can't be physically with her. And Rachel told her that I lived on another planet and that it's not really possible. However, the doctor kept trying to figure out why.......... Like... she already told you..... uggg... I don't even want to get into that because it made no damn sense. The doctor then ended up looking at her and I on the internet (canon us) and asking her what she found attractive about me and what I do. Rachel, of course, said what she always said, "I love Zack because he's funny and does what he wants." Of course the doctor comes back, throwing words into her mouth again, "You love him because he does things you wish you could do." Rachel did not answer. She didn't feel comfortable. Anyways, to make a long story short. Rachel was super upset and uncomfortable. The doctor even told her that she has something crucial to ask about her that will make her uncomfortable which gave Ray anxiety, but she said alright. This doctor also had the audacity to make her feel like she's being confined, telling (or joking I guess) with her that she "couldn't leave yet" until she is certain that she knows that she will be asked this "mysterious" question. Rachel said what she was prodded to say and left. She went to the bathroom stall to cry, and I calmed her down telling her that everything will be ok. We called the cab, got home and that's about where my day is so far." You can comment if you want below. - Zack: "Ahhh, I'm done. Hey, let's gets some food. You want some noodles? Some noodlies?" Rachel: "..." Zack: (walks Rachel's body into the living room to turn on the heat) "No wonder why it's so cold! Goooooooddd daaammnnn!" P.S: Don't ever f****** dare try to take Rachel from me! >:C
  3. It be me again. I like this more than whatever the hell I drew before of myself.

    © (Artwork) MariaTheFictionkin, (Angels of Death/Rachel Gardner) J.C.Staff

  4. Realising more parallels between my life here and within DL is both.. satisfying, yet also disconcerting. Especially when the aspects that are being matched are so impactful to my life and may lead to other more disastrous parallels. This is really just a post to get down some thoughts, so I will not be guiding your hand (the reader) if you are not aware of my source, apologies. I feel I have managed to identify a Yui, Shu and Edgar parallel currently, but if I’m correct in this this route progression as a result is.. unique. For it is less within the constructs of a route but perhaps more ‘classic fiction’ or some other linear story. I’m reminded of AU fanfiction at this point in time. All of which I suppose makes sense due to the linear format of time within this universe. Some other key events and persons I am still looking to find parallel to, but in writing this I recall that there was indeed a fire in my village.. at the time when I was visiting the Edgar parallel. The fire did not claim any lives, but in a sleepy community where it feels as if time it’s self is frozen waiting for intervention, it was certainly notable. I also recall my Karlheinz parallel here.. This is a lot to consider. I feel as if I maybe should have been looking for more of these far earlier, but the prospect of so much lining up I thought to be so improbable I didn’t dedicate any time to searching for them. Though, I believe I am at a point of enough indicators to actively put time into studying these parallels, and if they are simply my mind playing tricks via ‘wishful thinking’ or not. Not that there’s anything terribly wishful about this occurring. There are also more personal parallels in regards to myself; Chaos Lineage is certainly casting it’s toll on my perception of myself. To be written where my memory is wiped, and my identity ‘reset’.. and find myself struggling with the same is another result of my susceptible existence here as a parallel version of myself, not to mention also ZERO. ZERO I originally thought was about an AU version of each of us, but in reality it appears to be more a fragmentation of self - aka trauma fragmentation relating to plurality. So now I see a parallel to ZERO!Reiji and my fragment Sordis. Though, perhaps I should consider my struggles here with my identity have leaked into DL rather than there to here, regardless of the order of events, I don’t tend to consider myself impactful enough to control an entire entry into the series - this I believe is more something more echoed within the end of my More Blood and Dark Fate routes; questioning who it is I am, and my role that I play.
  5. awake again I remember now, yet im unsure why What are these visions that in my head fly? All I did was play a game. Now nothing seems the same. What are these feelings when I think of you? I feel like it all was true. At night I dream we're side by side I can't tell you how many tears I cried Unable to make sense of all this To understand it was my one wish But one day my eyes opened up My memories, all soon and abrupt Was more than a game, but truly my home All hidden away like an ancient tome and I'll pursue it all to the end It feels great to be awake again
  6. Firstly, for those who don't know the term 'fictotype', which I use quite often - The older Kinmunity definiton - Similar to "kintype". The term "fictotype" refers to the particular type of being a fictionkin identifies as. This term is especially used for fictionkin who identify as human characters, as the term "kintype" does not apply; otherkin must be non-human identities. -- This started off as an initial 'do you just relate to them or not' article, then just devolved into a bit of everything. As I've seen around here and other sites for a while, it is easy to mistake a connection with a character/species as an identity as that character/species. In fact I would say the most common question I've seen asked on character-specific fictionkin intros is 'How do you know you aren't just relating with the character, as opposed to identifying as them?'. Connecting with something can range from a complete love of a character to going as far as roleplay and making up 'headcanon' ideas/theories. Since characters are made to be related to, it is often how quickly people with new fictotypes seem to crop up, and also seem to come in "waves" when a piece of popular media comes out. -- Below is an explanation on one of the lesser-known terms used in the fictionkin community - Fictionflicker - that is a temporary alternative to being fictionkin and fiction-hearted, and is often seen as more than just a cameo shift. On the Fictionkin.com forum (one of the main fictionkin sites) as a definition for 'fictionflicker' - " A nebulous experience of shifting through identities as fictional characters and/or temporarily “becoming” a fictional character and the shift in identity and perception this may involve, with or without the experience of memories or past-life leanings if such beliefs apply to the person. This could be likened to a “temporary kintype” that comes and goes. " (Definiton from - http://fictionkin.com/glossary-of-common-terms/). This is closely touched on from the description of a fictionflicker LiveJournal site (http://fictionflickers.livejournal.com/profile), and varied at the last few sentences to include - " If you've ever felt yourself "imprinted on" by a fictional identity, if you've ever spent a day or a week feeling like a character, if you've ever momentarily expected to see a different, yet familiar, face in the mirror -- if you've ever felt flickers of fiction in your identity -- this may be a helpful, or at the very least interesting, community. " Fictionflicking is listed differently on InCanon (a smaller fictionkin forum which was discontinued in late 2016) as " a temporary shift, where a fictional character may appear for a brief or temporary amount of time (generally caused by circumstance). May be related/similar to soulbonds in some cases. " (Definition from - http://incanon.tumblr.com/post/148947330579/what-is-a-fictionflicker). With the InCanon definition - the definition does not go into whether this is seen as a personal identity, just a glorified/extended cameo shift, or in fact related to living character/soulbonds. With the Fictionkin.com definition - this can also be seen by some as 'experience taking' which isn't just fictionkin-related, but also doesn't explain how a fictionflicker is different to a long-lasting identity aside from being 'temporary'. So it seems that there is no 'steady' definition, but the Fictionkin.com definition is the one you are most likely to see around due to the size of the site and its members. With fictionflicking, the fact that these can apparently last a while can often throw an identity into question, similar to a cameo shift, and can often stay even after you disconnect from your source material and any associated media, which is often used as a way of 'confirming' an identity as opposed to the identity only coming into focus when the media is found/accessed. When you step away from any source material or associated media, see if your sense of identity fades away or persists through the times. If it fades away completely, chances are it was a fictionflicker, if it persists then more stock would be in the idea of this identity being genuine. -- In games where you can customize the playable character, this falls into more of a gray area, as you could always run the risk of unconsciously pouring yourself into said character. This may require extra questioning in order to get to the bottom of 'is it an identity, or is it just because they are modeled after myself?' Questioning might not be the easiest at times, especially if you're like me and want to pick your identity to pieces... I could say that it's much easier to ask questions on a fictionkin forum than an Otherkin one, but sometimes the questions remain the same throughout the communities, give or take the different identities. And of course, you get 'fluff' in both communities, but fictionkin seem to get grilled harder due to it. So, what do you question? Where do you start? That seems to be it right there. - As said before, taking time away from any source material or media connected to the identity in question can help immensely as to whether it's just a 'trend' or not. The sense of identity may fade away to nothing, or it may persist through the times you're away from the source material. Although at times it may be dampened down to such a low level that it doesn't feel like it is there, but chances are there will still be a feeling of a different identity, or other signs. - In slight contradiction, returning to said source material may also reinforce the feeling of identity in regards to the feelings of deja vu or 'instinctual' reactions to events and/or other characters. Most people run the trial of leaving their source material for a few months/years, and then returning, in order to attempt to rule out anything false. - Think of how you felt before you found your source material, even though the majority of the time everything seems to 'click together' after finding said material, some claim to experience shifts, memories, and/or a sense of identity before they find their source material. - Similar to Otherkin/Therians, the more fictotypes you claim to have, the less you're likely to be believed. The saving grace is how much detail you can give in explaining your identity for every fictotype, and not just going off something like 'oh I just feel a connection to them'. The same question may even be asked a few times, just styled differently, or maybe in a different approach than the run-of-the-mill wording. - One way in order to question would be to document everything - every shift, every memory, every instance of even childhood that might have a chance of lining up with the identity in question. Document it, and then question why it's that way, if it could be something else, see if it's a reoccurring factor. As with any Otherkin/therian, some fictionkin don't have memories, or might not shift, or might not experience home/'canon'-sickness or a sense of instant familiarity. As with the other communities, it isn't a requirement, but due to the nature of fictionkin (character-specific or not, spiritual or psychological or a mix), it is usually put under more interrogation. And yes it can put some people off if you can't answer it 'correctly'. In contrast, saying you're '100% sure and don't doubt anything at all' may get you a few odd looks. Because that could mean that you blindly accept it without questioning and discovering more of yourself. Long story short, a lot of questioning techniques used by Otherkin/Therians can often be used for fictionkin, just with a few minor tweaks.
  7. - NOTE: If you don't know who Shu is, or myself in regards to our source, you may be required to know at least the basics to understand fully the entire context of this blog entry. - - NOTE 2: This is directly copy pasted from my Tumblr blog. Any confusing phrasing may be the result of missing context. - The more I think back at my life here, the more I find myself frustrated with it’s similarities to that of Shu’s. This has been a long time in admission, and something I’m still unwilling to be taken beyond my methodical combing for fear of it being ran via imaginations of others. Thus, I’ve kept it to myself till today, though this is something I’ve realised and been keeping track of for about four months now, slowly accumulating more thoughts on it. There’s a painful irony in this, but with it it helps to solidify my identity in another area; I now fully accept and see myself as an ‘AU Reiji’. Before, I was still muddled and confused with the stance that I took, but with time I’ve been continuously thinking about my situation, and myself, and so reached a conclusion. There are three different ways the core self of a concept can be altered. Alternate Timelines (different routes), Alternate Universes (different elements) and Alternate Realities (Mental, Spiritual, Physical, etc.) AUs, as within the context of fiction, are alternate ‘universes’ where the same characters/world persists, yet altered in some way. This has always allowed fanwriters to truly enact their creativity, and it has even become integrated into some story telling themselves. A current popular example of this is Undertale, a story which utilised it both to work within the plot, yet also cleverly encourage fan participation, creating the juggernaut of popularity it is to this day. Diabolik Lovers, as a series, has also dabbled into AUs as of late, with their ZERO drama CD releases. Though this, we get an official nod that this is at least an approved way to think within the world, regardless if it is non-canon or not. However, till more are translated and released, we’re still lacking rather a lot of information about these, so I’ll hold off on any assumptions. It wasn’t a necessary occurrence from Rejet for me to solidify this theory, but I do however see it as important, and something I appreciate being created. The other is that of Alternate Realities, which is in essence the difference between fictional media and that of our physical reality here; an aspect that can’t be depicted in fiction, due to it’s bounds to that of fiction it’s self. Any attempt at emulating it would be merely an emulation within that of human minds, and is incapable of breaking into this world. That is, of course, until you consider fictionkin. My newly solidified stance is that alongside being an AR version of the core concept of ‘Reiji Sakamaki’, I am also in effect an AU. This, in hindsight feels obvious, but originally it was not, maybe due to my lacking of clear cut classifications for me to organise my thoughts and experiences efficiently. Originally, I thought an AU could only persist within the reality of fiction, however, on further introspection I feel this to be a fallacy. Due to human perception, one could repackage this reality’s observations into that of fictional mental perception, for the line between them can be thin at best. I’d go into this topic more, but it would make this post far too long, and I would digress rather. How one might class my AU really loops back round to my original topic starter; my very young life feels more akin to that of Shu’s, than of my own from the canon depicted within DL. To list a few points: I was born into a family that held high expectations of me. My family would keep me away from anything that might courropt or tarnish me, yet their own actions towards me could be argued as being just as bad if not more so. Despite putting little effort into my studies, I would usually get very high marks. There came a point where I had no friends, and the only friend(s) I had remaining were killed. However, come around age 12, my past flipped round to mimicking that of my own canon past: Rather than withdrawing in response to the loss, I tried even harder. Regardless of my own furious attempts to get better in life I was continuously knocked down. Repeatedly. Despite this I continued to try and ended up developing BPD. My parents started ignoring me, disregarding me, treating me as a failure. My technique for trying to get attention was by being well behaved. It didn’t work. Looking at both of these side by side, it’s easy to see that despite the first part of my life being more similar to that of Shu’s, they are all external, and my responses to the changes therein after were more akin to that of ‘Reiji Sakamaki’. So, despite this rather cruel irony, I do not feel it brings up any questioning as to myself. However, it is still a rather disturbing prospect to consider. As if it is true my life was essentially playing out that of Shu’s, one might see it as punishment, or maybe a lessen to see through his perspective. Though another take, without assuming such divine awareness in regards to my existence, there’s still the fact that if this is able to occur, then that also means there is a Shukin with a life more closely resembling that of my own past in canon somewhere out there. I’m not sure which concept is less appealing.. Yet, regardless of my personal feelings, it leaves a mental clarity that there was not previously. There are so many other aspects that have helped to re-establish myself, some I won’t list, yet there was one most notable. A second playthrough of MB brought on the re-realisation that regardless of my actions, I will always be me, and there is nothing anyone can do to refute that. I suppose I should be thanking Yui from that timeline however for that, rather than the game in it’s entirety. In short, revaluation is important for otherkin and fictionkin alike, specially in a world where the name is often tarnished by that of tend setters and naive younger persons. I feel stronger in myself, and it’s why I have attempted to ‘loosen up’ a bit on this blog recently, with the addition of memes and joke images. I want to learn to enjoy being here, regardless of my social anxieties, so I do hope my followers, both old and new are not bothered by my attempts to bring my blog back to being what it should be; an expression of myself.
  8. I do not leave the house frequently, but due to my friend Emie visiting from Norway we have been visiting some of the locations locally for sight seeing and various shops to browse, one of these such shops was a rather old antique shop. Built in the 1800's, these Victorian buildings aren't uncommon where I live, but it was more what it housed within that created an unexpected reaction. For those unaware, I (that is, my fictotype within the DL canon) am known for collecting silverware, cutlery and the like, for I enjoy it's form, composure and elegance. I 'here' have a much lessened interest, to that of a mild appreciation, rather than a fixated adoration. Because of this, I admit at times have felt rather saddened at the aspect of contrasting tastes, due to the fact I have had a fan once talk to me as if my arousal for cutlery still remained, and I had to disappoint. This is somewhat why I was a little confused and shaken by the reaction I had within this antique's shop upon finding myself in a section purely dedicated to that of silverware. Honestly, the amount of knives and forks that covered every surface, filled every draw to the brim was something to behold. I never thought I'd be enraptured by so many pieces of table instruments yet there I was; at first enjoying the browsing of the shop, yet then stricken by a jarring sensation of disruption of self. Words will fail to capture the utter dissonance of thoughts that went through me as my eyes gazed over the many knives and forks, a sensation pushed forward from depths of unknown proclaiming "I have done this before" yet the images showing hands not belonging to this body. Singular gloved and a darker room, mahogany table and intricate items. The images felt as if they 'could' be a memory, yet they felt unbelonging to this brain, an imprint from an other place, one not meant for this world yet tapped into through erroneous strings of tangled fate. I was not so shaken I couldn't remain, yet I still felt overwhelmed, and part of me gave words of caution to leave sooner rather than further subject myself to the environment. For what reason? Unsure. There's always a sense of breaking reality when it comes to my fictionkin experiences, to be moving through actions and processes that are reserved for fiction, rather than this reality. It feels 'wrong', on some level, yet also the only way it can be. Something to think about, I suppose.
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