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Found 37 results

  1. Next door to "home", 24/ 11/ 2017 ℹ lyrocle = lyrics + oracle. Songs that hold a personal meaning and can lead to mental - and aura shifts. Might also be part of the kin playlist that started as extra to a Break x Shelly fanfic (Wattpad, incomplete. Move here, to be continued? ), but also includes pieces for Undertaker (Kuroshitsuji/ Black Butler). A vow, a promise long ago Was sealed with blood For no - one to know. I was reborn into this world Of love, I didn't deserve. The shadow of my past is here. I know, I'll never escape from it. But the weight of your words, It keeps me sane - Or as sane as I ever could be. Being able to smile again, Being able to move forward again. My blade, it ends the ones who dare Who dare to stand in my way. So rest assured: I'll protect 'her' And I will live as long as I can. The red of my eye, It' ll fade through time, But as long, as I breath, I won't stop. The shadow of my past, cast By foolish dreams, I once had. It marks a path of loneliness, A path that's somehow becoming bright. Can I still fight, still go on? The darkness comes, I feel it. Soon, my heart will be still so Show me your smile once more. Even when I stop breathing, I'm sure, they'll be all right.
  2. "Home", 11/ 11/ 2017 Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : New Beginning Artist : Carol Heyer 1 of 8 ? - No The clouds around waist and legs are looking like two extra pairs of wings. One thing, my heart desires: A 2nd chance.Too much has been broken; I can't fix, Father can. His powers as creator can be seen in the ability to take even the most unimpressive bit of existence and form something wonderful. Keeping and composing the old to something new confirms the importance of every tiny component. Humans are limited to reproduction. Father, I can barely breath. The weigth on my shoulders is exhausting. I don't want things to go on like this.
  3. Around the corner from "home", 9/ 11/ 2017 Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : Believe and have Faith Artist : Mark Wassman 1 of 8 ? - No Higher ranking angels have got body parts "like/ of gems", but seeing them in adorned armor is... They call me "lazy". What could convince them from the opposite? Fight after fight is fought. Nobody witnesses. It's all for naught. Father, my ears are hurting from the insults, lies and curses. It's too much. I fear to lose myself.
  4. "Home's" neighbor, 8/ 11/ 2017 Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : Weighing Options Artist : Carol Heyer 1 of 8 ? - No Why an unicorn? Making decisions doesn't count to the things, I'm good at. But the longer it takes, everything worsens. And some aren't as important as we like to think. Buying a new book isn't the same level as not going to a doctor. No "right", no "wrong". Father, you want us to be free. We took your gift of free will and twisted it. If we're not too scared.
  5. Not at "home", 7/ 11/ 2017 Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : Focus on perfect Health Artist: Howard David Johnson 1 of 8 ? - Yes On artstyle : Skip. Archangels and angels do a lot for us. But we always have a task. Taking care of our body is something, they will not do. Hence, we are given the advice to keep an eye on ourselves. Frightening, how bad we treat ourselves. Father, accepting being a soul and having a body takes time. Time, we think, we don't have. Can you forgive?
  6. In a short distance to "home", 6/11 /2017 Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : Treat yourself with Love Artist : Carol Heyer 1 of 8 ? - No Uniqueness has got its limit too. To follow the advice, you must know yourself well. Showing your love to your (future) family might appear not as bad in comparison. I wouldn’t know where to start honestly. What does let me relax and recover? What do I need? Father, I want too much in too little time; yet, laziness and pride keep me away from work while greed... No way, I could speak that out aloud! Too much I like my role as helpless lamb; how can I play it having faith in ending up in your hands?
  7. Around "home", 5/ 11/ 2017 Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : Eternal Love 1 of 8 ? - No The symbolism is worth a second look. True love is mutual, giving and receiving. You can't "make" or "earn" it like money. You don't have deserved it; but neither has your beloved! It's a decision, you won't fully remember having made. Even true love can't solve everything. Father, tears are about to drown me whereas my mind is about to suck the last bit of energy out of my body. Watching others with their "one" is hurting so much. Is loving me impossible?
  8. Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : The Angels of romantic Love Artist : Howard David Johnson 1 of 8 ? - Yes. The peace - and playful atmosphere is too lovely to interrupt with the complaint that low - ranking angels are always looking the same. Could love be the answer? I don’t believe in kisses being an allmighty medicine, but they're a good start. Stuffed animals won't replace a loving person. Then again, "romance" is a broad term... Heck! Living alone, as single, is not lonely. Father, you're greater than my mind, and often, I need minutes to get a very vague idea of what you're saying. Deep down, I'm still a child; not yet ready to "get over it and grow up" or love someone as husband/ wife. Yes, in some cases, I'd rather be a friend than a -friend, fearing to lose (one of) my most precious. You've set more rules than I'd ever know by heart; yet, you never invented one that informs me when I'm ready for a long - term relationship.
  9. Narrow gap to "Home", 2017 (after removal from the register of students) Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : Ask for Help Artist : Corey Wolfe 1 of 8 ? - No If this was an edited panel of an actual comic, I wouldn't want to buy it. Pride is a sin; good at one - sided collaboration and lying, perfect at isolating from the environment (= all persons, animals, flowers and plants "within your reach" / you interact with). Being in need of help is nothing to be ashamed of. With info, you'll find support. Father, my head is hurting from the questions, I got. Where to go? Too many times, I've been ridiculed to trust. My strength is weakening, the urge to fall asleep putting me under pressure. Who else but you can you help me?
  10. In the neighborhood of "home", 3/ 11/ 2017 Deck : Archangel Michael Oracle By : Doreen Virtue Card : Your Home is protected Artist : Howard David Johnson 1 of 8 ? - No. Would I like Johnson's drawings if I never heard of Claude Monet's (first) ? Nowadays, "home" is so much more than a roof; it's become another word for "family"/ "friends". Loosing one is also the loss of the other. Having lost both causes a lot of pain. Father, you've given so much; the materials for buildings, the workers... I feel, I owe you too much to pay all of my dues. And that am terribly frustrated when my lips fail to form a silent "Thank you". My wish to make you a gift in return is strong. So please accept it, big or small.
  11. Not far enough from "home", Halloween/ Samhain/ Reformation Day 2017 《 Who can't read the characters, will never profit from glasses. 》 - ars westfalica, Germany / NRW. - - - - - - - - - - - - Calligraphy, I love you! Bow and arrow - we never met in this life, but I'm certain, if we did, it would be love at first shot. Toy made of wood... *slowly turns toy sword in her hands and grimaces* Impressive! All kudos ( 5/ 5 ❤) and my respect to the actors, stallholders and musicians! They were so convincing that I soon changed my speech pattern to match theirs. Long sentences. Very formal and polite... Maybe not that unusual, but I enjoyed the small talk, perking up my ears when anecdotes were being exchanged. My role was clearly defined: I was a seeker, and as such, I asked for the monk's help to decipher the small rolls of parchment, little pieces of wisdom. Each of the 4, I've drawn, speaks of betrayal. 《 The bite of hungry fleas and flies stings worse. 》 You're betraying yourself when you let people know who has helped them via pulling the strings. They only get more greedy, and you end up being incapable of helping them at all. The inevitable fate, any INFJ would meet? Wasn't it what I was doing by not even hiding that I could read the two lines and already knew what they are trying to tell? Self - fullfilling prophecy... I tricked myself just like one of those fools, the third parchment is talking about: 《 Luck can kill a fool. 》 Because standing in the middle of the streets and going on and on about how fortune has been siding with you lately... Well, envy will make sure that it won't stay that way. But if I was to judge, still better than the thief who tries to rob a bartender with a career as - thief. The monk in front of me wasn't... was he? Meanwhile, another customer had entered the scriptorium - his clothes didn't give much away - my cue to leave. Before I was offered a letter of indulgence. (In the garden of the Protestant Church.) I wish, I would have watched the monk writing. But what? He didn't need to hear about my grandmother's curse ("Ember on your head!"), practically an one - way ticket to Hell. The first testament is full of examples for the power of such maledictions spoken by ancestors (mainly: grandparents). Outside of the tent, I hesitated. The diabolo - player was nowhere to be seen, and the memories of Sacré - Coeur fading.
  12. " R U L E S " : 🔗 Every day of November, one card of Doreen Virtue's Archangel Michael - Oracle is drawn (official German translation). 🔗 The card's actual meaning is ignored. 🔗 At the end of the month, minimally 8 cards must have been drawn. 🔗 If a day has to be skipped for other reasons than my own fault (e. g. technic), it won't be redone the next. 🔗 The goal is to be considered "reached" if the experiment can verify/ falsify a connection between liking the picture (of the archangel) and drawing the card. 🔗 A short comment on the artstyle is written here on the blog (1 sentence). 🔗 This comment is followed by a note whether the card is 1 of the 8 favorite cards, I chose for aesthetical appeal in the preparation phase (October, completed). 🔗 A personal interpretation (ca. 5 sentences) + a self - worded prayer (ca. 3 sentences) complete the text.
  13. Somewhere near " home", 1/ 11/ 2017 Deck: Archangel Michael Oracle By: Doreen Virtue. Card: Sense of Humor Artist: Savannah Roy 1/ 8 ? : Yes. Finally, gentle light that doesn't burn the eyes. Perceiving the world through a filter might be healthful for a brief moment and prevent your self- defense from badly damaging yourself. Ready not to repeat past mistakes, you prepare yourself for the tough times ahead. You may feel save, no question. But are you strong enough to face whatever you've been running away from for as long as you can think? That new light may not only be the signal to tackle old hindrances, but also the key to creative possibilities. Father, I'm a hypocrite. My heart wants to cry, my face fakes a smile. Ripp off that mask of stone with your light and remind my lips of them being flesh.
  14. Somewhere near "home", 29/ 10/ 2017 Ideas are like cancer; once in your head, getting rid of them is impossible. And like any other knot in your guts, you don't notice. For the first signs, you willingly accept the easiest and most harmless explanations. Earnestly. Anything that might hurt for a little while, but would go away all by itself sooner "if you wait". 'Till that day, denial won't work anymore. Thoughts and feelings, and finally the soul is filled with what you've been fighting against for so long. This time, however, the fight was short, already over before it has begun. Too good. An own library. Because shelves proved themselves incapable of... giving my books, a "small collection of ca. 200 volumes" a home. But the point is something else: My failure of... saying goodbye to works, I once read. May it be my fear of forgetting - there was too much in my childhood going on that "erasing" memories seemed not that bad of an idea - may it be a personality thing best desribed as a typical worry of an average gifted with an unsatisfied hunger for whatever Earth has to offer as "knowledge"/ "wisdom". A spiritual/ psychological connection only an otherkin of a mythological creature/ fictionkin would have. As someone who couldn't care less about money (though being "homeless" for 50% herself at the moment), the seperation from the world between two covers, especially the homeworld is twice as bitter. 🏛 Being used to take your time for grilling the books within reach, hands of a clock are going to be where you'd expect them the least. 🏛 The source material, usually the main driving force of recovering (kin) memories, can't be replaced. Independently, from how "close to canon" other stories get. Furthermore, certain kintypes are infamous for the urge to help/ do something for someone else's benefit. More trouble ahead. But if I distanced myself from any ideal, who'd I be? "Fictional characters" are my teachers showing me how current circumstances can animate. After all, every joke got a literal and serious meaning.
  15. Home, 2010 (A few months before graduation) Angels and their choirs... Did I believe, 4 piles of papers would create a familiarity that allowed me to mark the case as closed? Hadn't I lived a good life in oblivion to the hierarchy in Heaven? Was it St. Paul who gave insight into the order of Guardian Angels and Seraphs like he handed out advice to organize (first) congregations in Asia Minor according to the domestic distribution of power? Raised as Catholic Protestant (and thanks to H. Hark), Jacob's ladder was old hat. The Dutch pastor's and author's merit was the reciprocity of humans and angels with regards to enthusiasm, contendness and love. Received by day, given by night. And the evolution from human to angel going on at our times, the Age of Archangel Michael.
  16. Home, 2010 (countdown to final exams: less than a year) Our front door had just closed behind the last party guests, and I almost jumped up the stairs to level 1, wondering about how I would enjoy the last hours of my birthday in peace. Music... A silver shimmer in the dust. An oval object. Both sides showing a picture of Archangel Michael, one of them framed by the following prayer: "St. Michael pray for us." Still with the pendant in hand, I sprinted to the living- room where my parents had made themselves comfortable in front of the TV. "Mom! Dad!" None of them could imagine where the accessory was from. And soon, we agreed on that somebody would have noticed if it had been a guest's. The search for its owner came to naught; nobody was missing it either. With Mom's and my "father's" permission, I kept it. Wearing it under my shirt/ pullover felt so... right. So strange at the same time. In their prayers, Protestants talk directly to God. They can pray everywhere. And if not with the congregation during service then with a popular Christian/ (arch-) angel in the free time. Ha! Owning portraits/ pictures of our brothers and sisters are not an issue as long as they or those they depict are not worshipped. Objects won't answer prayers, grant any wishes or help by doing magic. But the pendant was a sign that I was not alone. Protected. And loved.
  17. Home, 2010 (countdown to final exams: less than 1 year) Under the pressure of the present, the future wasn't even in sight. And Doreen Virtue's oracle cards barely more than pieces of art. If I was to pick one deck as my personal favorite, I'd cough and excuse myself with my full schedule that would punish "laziness" severely. My brutal honest opinion? Them having been drawn by many artists make it way easier to "build your own oracle out of the cards". 3 - 4 styles in one set of 44... And why the rant? Because Hark's book made me give divination a 2nd look. Against my will. Since the discussion of Arthur Schnitzler's "Leutnant Gustl", over 1 year had passed, and dream interpretation had become an empty shell. I always loved symbols. Stuffing so many meanings into one short chain of syllables/ lines was like a wonder. *inhales sharply* Short-story. Diary entry. Confession. Slice of life. Mystery. The author's "Angel - Dream" has more than one genre. But suspense/ horror/ thriller?! A face is crystalizing out of an upper corner of the room. The narrator and reader are shocked. A parallel to angels' appearance in the bible. Words of another theologian about "al tirah" (Ancient Hebrew, "Do not fear!") as greeting come to mind: Angels - not only the Angel of Death - are frightening. So frightening that we watch men sinking down onto the knees, and the angel helping them to get up, saying not to be worth to be worshipped. The moment of shock is over; the aura of authority surrounding the angel, remains. It's this power to free from bonds, this energy ("spiritual manager", "low voice in [the] heart") that whispers wise sayings and admonishes to live a responsible life. Something "in the soul [which is not man- made and is a living being on its own]" (C. G. Jung). Similar to what Rose Ausländers has written in her poem "The Angel in You": "They [= the angels] cry about my darkness, and they are happy about my light." A reaction to human feelings that would be missed in the bible. I learnt that analyzing my dreams - which I have been doing since my earliest childhood anyway - wasn't a bad thing per se. But it wasn't a magical ability either.
  18. Hospital, 2011 (after graduation) "Woah! It's like 5 days of my life had been stolen", Mom commented after we having filled her in. If her "accident" was the last thing, she could remember... Again, I saw the tea - pot on the cooktop. How many spoons of sugar had she added to the chamomile tea?! Let her get 10 years older, and we will have to send her to a senior citizens residence! My eyes searched hers. "Mom, something needs to be done. Next time..." Mom interrupted me: "A nurse said, I cheated death." Should her crooked smile cheer me up? Horrible job, Mom. She lowered her voice so that my "father" would not hear. "See, I still got a mission." Yes, but that was the only point, we could agree on. If she only didn't waste her 2nd chance by helping me! I gave my "father" a questioning look. In the car, I was reflecting on the last books, I had read. 3 in one year? That was deflating. 📚 Helmut Hark: Angels on your Way - The message of our spiritual Companions. 📚 Günter Ewald: On the Trail of Near - death Experiences. Is there an immortal Soul? 📚 Todd Burpo/ Lynn Vincent: Heaven is for Real. Then it struck me. Mom and me had never chatted about the psychotherapist's and theologian's "new ways of communicating with angels", but we had ocassional discussions about the mathematian's collected conceptions of death. Many more hours had been dedicated to Colton's story, "by far the most moving and authentic report of a human's journey to heaven and return to the world of the living" in our eyes. Shortly after, Mom checked out of hospital; in the blink of an eye, she recovered. Did archangel Raphael have something to do with it?
  19. Home, 2011 (after graduation) All impressions of the Big Apple were clouded by Mom's hyperglycaemia. If we had stayed home... "Two days later, and she would not have survived." The doctor sighed. "I've never seen a case like this before." And his collegues nodded. Yes, Mom was alive - judging the tensed muscles that fought the straps tying her body to the bed, and the blue and green lines on the monitor to the left. "Mom?" My voice should never reach her. That's what is called "coma", the world between ours and afterlife. On the 3rd/ 4th day in hospital, the struggle against her ties were over. "Water." Her eyes were still half- closed, the gaze unfocused, but with a little help, she brought herself into a sitting position and drank. Suddenly, she tilted her head into my direction. "I know what you want to ask." She shook her head. I paled. Our relationship was more of the us - two - girls - against - the - world - type. Not meaning, I had no secrets; yet, I allowed myself to be a loudmouth around her and hold speeches, Martin Luther himself would be proud of. ("No polemic pamphlet", a teacher of mine wrote under one test and congratulated me on having made her laugh with my comment that the arguments of modern critics of religion were as enjoyable as cold coffee. They never got off their high horses, but lack the passion of F. Nietzsche, L. Feuerbach, S. Freud... Which makes taking them seriously extremely hard.) It was as if Mom's mind was jumping back to our last conversation on near - death experiences. I gulped and said nothing.
  20. Day Dream #10: Ticket to New York

    Manhattan/ New York, 2011 (after graduation) Dear psychologist, Do you remember the bet? "If I pass final exams, I'll send you a postcard from New York." The weather could be better, but our daily trips are fun. My "father" and me walk longer routes than we usually do at "home". Our longest? From the hotel (one corner away from Times Square) to Strand Books Store! Once back in Germany, I'll check my weight; I mean, eggs with bacon (and fresh orange juice) for breakfast, plain bagels for lunch, 2 small bottles of water, 1 big bottle of coke and 1 bag of Snickers before going to bed won't stay unnoticed. We only ate 2 hamburgers three times in our 12 days of vacation. And if I hadn't lost my trust in you long ago, I'd also tell you about the tears, I shed due to my anxiety to open my mouth and speak English as I've been taught 9 years and my father's pride of having learnt to order "a cup of coffee" within a couple of days. "Next time, I won't take you to USA with me!" He barked (in German), every word dripping with disappointment. But it's just "my" ADD running wild.
  21. More coincidences

    I'm seeing parallels between my past life and this life, particularly with my family members like my grandfather and my dad. I learned yesterday that my grandpa is part of an astronomy group and is actually friends with famous scientists. (Yes, I'm dead serious). He said he can take me next time he goes over there. I always had this need to understand how astronomy worked even when I was 5 years old. As for the father in the other life, he was a high ranking teacher, (I'm not 100% sure about this though, still questioning it using divination. I asked if my high ranking mentor was also my parent and it came up as a yes but I still question it) and my current dad was in the special forces. I'm fully aware that it can be a coincidence but I find all of the coincidences very funny at this point. A few weeks ago I questioned being some sort of oracle after reading up on the game files and what they were capable of doing. Then, a few days ago I remembered something I almost totally forgot about: I was about 12 years old and while I was watching the movie 300 and when I saw an oracle in it, I got hit with the sudden thought and scary sensation that I might have been some sort of oracle and psychic in a past life, but it wasn't from ancient Greece. At the time, I thought it was my wild imagination and anxiety acting up and decided to ignore it without a problem. It was the same scary sensation I felt when I found my third kintype. But when I remembered it now, I thought to myself "no way." I put this under my list of coincidences. (Bonus points for me really being 100% biologically Greek) It appears that my past life has parallels to Greek culture now that I think of it, but that's where it stops. If it is possible to choose which life you go into, then perhaps these above reasons are why I chose to be born here within this family group. A few days ago, my dad was telling me how I need to go to Greece because he claimed there is a part of me that I'm missing. He has no idea..... He also said that I will feel very nostalgic and feel like I've been there before. I can't even begin to explain to him that I feel that way exactly, but to a place that doesn't even exist in this universe. No, I don't feel homesick when I think of Greece surprisingly enough even though I feel like I should but I feel homesick when thinking about Shakuras or Auir, go figure. I know that homesickness isn't always a real factor for determining a kintype or a past life but I have to question my emotions. I should feel homesick over Greece, not a fictional planet. I can't tell if feeling homesick for those planets over a country on Earth is a sure sign of my past and future lives but I sense that it is. I told my dad I know how it's like to feel homesick to places I never been to before and vaguely mentioned that I see places in dreams. He responded and said that it's not the same thing because you're not physically there and dreams are only in 2d. The thing is that the dreams I had were 3d. It was as if I was really there and the scenery was stunning. It looks to me that not everyone gets these high resolution 3d dreams. To be honest, neither do I and it's very rare when I do. I asked the tarot cards if those memories were real, and I got a yes. I asked the question different ways on different days and still got a yes. I want to explain this to my dad to the full extent but it will sound very crazy and insane so I'll leave these experiences out. "Oh yeah, I lived in a fictional world in a past life and saw a few glimpses of it in my dreams. I also get really homesick over it and it impacts me now." If anyone is following my blog posts or for those who care (if there are any), I apologize for talking so much about this one specific kintype, as much as I hate calling it one because I feel it doesn't need a label. The things I found out about this changed my beliefs and philosophies way more than knowing I was a therian ever did. I still do get my canine and feline shifts even when I try to ignore them or tune them out but they are still there and are doing well. I always knew I was a therian before I knew the word. But these new experiences are totally something else. I forgot to mention-I brought runes for divination. I don't know how good I will be with them but it looks like I am starting to get the hang of it after a few hours. I remembered being mesmerized by runes from a young age, even though I had no idea what they were or what they meant. My mom used to have a stack/deck(?) of runes in a bag and I always liked pulling one out to see what symbol I got for fun without knowing that the symbol actually meant something.
  22. Day Dream #9: The Ball

    Hometown, 2011 (graduation) Studying. Repeating. Letting Mom ask me questions. Marking wrong answers. Notes. Puns/ Jokes to memorize stuff, I keep forgetting. Strong subjects: 1 hour, weak subjects: 2. New material (books, programs...) Months passed fast. No space for astrology in my head. As if the veils of colors weren't right in front of my eyes. The aura? The energy? I saw them, eyes closed. Spots of light. Dancing like a flame. Purple. Green. Purple. At first, I tried to manipulate them. "Yellow! Yellow! Yellow!" Purple. Green. Purple. On the way to the stadium: Red. Green. Red. Light seeping through my eyelids? Falling asleep: A rainbow. Rapid eye movement? (Silvery) White. Eyes opened. A benevolent (guardian) spirit?! Oh, I should have ignored the information and directions for use. But: It's the Pill! It's about my (human) body! My brain calmed down. Balls do not float. Balls do not follow you around. Rays of sunshine can let silvery objects shine so bright that they're mistaken for white ones. Ink stays on your fingers when you touch a fresh print. A grey circle on the photo. Welcome to the world of divination.
  23. Day Dream #1: Gifted?!

    High- School, 2010 (countdown to final exams: less than 1 year) Heart and brain are the worst inventions ever. Really. Someone should tell them that they are part of one breathing being, supposed to work together to keep one body alive. But it won't be me. I'm just a soul, too tired to argue, too old to fight against - well- myself. Bad enough that I... needed help to make it through school. Somehow.With average marks and a fake smile on my lips. Even worse, the moment, I had to confess: "I wouldn't have gotten so far if teachers hadn't put much trust into me", found the right words to encourage and unleashing "powers" I wouldn't have dared to search for within my very core. Nevertheless, I was... devasted by the question if I could be "gifted". No! I wish, I could have cried. Chances were... Impossible! Every fiber of my being broke out into a silent protest. "I'm only human!" On the other side, I was more than happy to learn that there was a reason for peers avoiding me. It wasn't my fault that I was a lone wolf. Finally, at home, tears were streaming down my cheeks.
  24. Day Dream #8: Foolish Knight

    Hospital, 2008 - 2010 Danger could lure behind the next corner. But hyperfocus makes blind for what's awaiting the carefree behind closed doors at their own four walls. A piercing scream through the dusk. That's how the drama began. Two days later, the bus that should never arrive. Did my worst nightmare turn into cruel reality? One call would reassure me that everything... ... was far from all right. It was early afternoon, and my brother in hospital. 6 pm. A deep breath. Just a few seconds and... The door stayed closed. No beloved pain in the neck was yelling into my room: "Night!" I fought against the tears. "Right, he isn't here." "Officially", my brother doesn't belong into an institution without any specialists; yet, it was decided to let him stay in the hospital for the amount of time, it would take to find a place where he can be treated. And it was urgent. Him, always a ray of sunshine, he was changing to the complete opposite: Stuff was broken, the staff as helpless as us. The little boy who used to sit on the stairs in front of the back door and carve statues of animals did not exist anymore. In his stead, there was that "old man waiting for death" as my father put it. I hoped, our love would reach him somehow and help him to recognize us. Meanwhile, I've figured out why it didn't.
  25. Day Dream #7: Invisible

    Hospital, 2008 - 2010 Documents are the last eye- witnesses, and even them will be ripped apart in 2 or 3 years (2019/ 2020). Time has healed. Scars will remain... Will I see them fading? The echo of the promise has been staying within my soul ever since: "I will pass the final exams and become visible to Mom and Dad again!" Is this... jealousy? Despair? Was I fed up and rebeled against my little - sister - role? Did I believe, I could make my parents smile? Yes. Yes. Yes. No. What I intended, was making them proud. I wanted to be their daughter. One, they would give some positivity. One, they would trust and cheer up: "You can make it!" Being the center of attention... no way, I'd suddenly be everybody's darling. My brother was. And it's my duty to protect him.
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