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  1. Something we’ve never done, is to put all of these ‘memories’, all of these flashes of what might be, together publicly. I am not naturally open, I do not trust others with my innermost thoughts, I see no point when so many are crude in their attempts at understanding and carelessly tread upon what is held dear to myself. Both this life and within DL has taught me as to other’s disregard of my emotions and innermost thoughts. Ultimately people do not care to a standard I recognise as 'care’, perhaps as a result of my own high expectations. But, I will not digress further. What I am about to put to words is what I 'know’… regardless of how unreliable such an experience can be. The malleable nature of the mind is at times dreadfully inconvenient, and does leave me on the edge of true acceptance. So, with that in mind, we shall begin. Childhood I was born as Karlheinz and Beatrix’s second child and lived my childhood within one of father’s castles, and though I struggle to remember it, originally Beatrix did have some interest in my welfare. It was however before I passed my second or third year that things began to deteriorate. Cordelia’s antagonising of mother had started before I was born, and the initial stages of care was more from her natural feelings of obligation rather than a relaxed form of 'love’, but, I’m not one to talk of such things, as I don’t believe I ever saw her as she might have once been before my conception. The transition away from mother’s care was gradual, where more and more times I would be kept under watch by the maids within the castle. I did attempt to garter some concept of 'love’ or care beyond duty from them also, but they were always resistant, and before I turned 6 I was already closing up. I had been told quite often what and who I was, and through that I justified my existence, for, to consider the thought of being 'unwanted’ was far too unpleasant to dwell upon. I was a vampire prince, I could one day take my father’s position - At least, that’s what the maids told me. Mother would speak similarly, but with her own twist on the latter, “You shall one day serve your brother as his advisory.” or such similar dismissals of my own capabilities. Though her constant rejection of myself, I ran through many different theories or ideas as to why this might be. One point was my eyes. Though there are many who argue about it within this 'fandom’, I can not see clearly without my glasses. My eyesight is not abysmal without them, but it is certainly weak enough to require them. This, for a vampire is rather a sign of weakness. If I’d been born into any position other than the one I was, I’d likely have been subjected to rather more in the way of mocking comments or teasing jabs. Later on my half-siblings certainly wouldn’t refrain from such comments, though it was quickly lessened through my own 'encouragement’ for them to stop. I developed a strong interest in the sciences, particularly chemistry, an interest that later developed into cooking also, though this is where some minor motions away from the 'canon’ do start to seep in. Cooking never became a 'passion’ of mine, it was simply an extension of chemistry for me. I was doing it at father’s behest; I did it because I was told to, it was simply a bonus that I found it mildly interesting for it’s more technical side. My cooking would also tend to be a fair sight more 'interesting’ for quite a time. I experimented while younger, it’s what young minds do best. The Demon World doesn’t have plants like the Human World does, but it does have quite the wide array of poisonous plants, toxic and venomous animals and various other, sometimes magical, components for alchemy. I certainly didn’t shy from trying everything I could get my hands on, as I was left to my own devices a majority of the time. Classes were not regularly scheduled for me as they were for Shu, so I had rather a lot of free time to explore. The area around the castle was vast, with a dark forest that usually we as children wouldn’t have been allowed to enter. I’d collect herbs or other ingredients there and quickly run back to 'play’ with them. I enjoyed this 'work’ so much, but what I really wanted was to show my work. I didn’t like to admit it, but I was often at times lonely for recognition. Companionship I was relatively content without at that age, I enjoyed what I did and that was all I needed. Books, potions and the freedom to explore those freely. Abilities Something else that certainly isn’t covered at all within the writings of DL was our abilities. These I did attend sessions with Shu for, though they did little but to further embed the feeling of inferiority. Vampire children, specially those born with our blood would be taught very quickly to learn the use of their abilities. Some individuals would be better in some areas that others, but for a list of them all it isn’t much different to what it canonly understood: Teleportation Hypnosis Flight Transformation Familiar Summoning & Control Energy Perception Along with also natural traits we were born with being above that of humans, being physical strength, physical durability, healing, sight (if you weren’t me), hearing and energy perception. Energy Perception, for a little elaboration is essentially the ability to feel the presence of others. With training yours could be lessened and you could detect others more easily. It’s rather similar to the concept of auras or empathic reading that persons here can train themselves to do - or be born with a natural gift to be able to easily. It’s the same concept. Bat Forms I remember the lessons with Shu in particular regarding our transformations into our bat form. For many families it is the sign of a child entering into adolescence, and the first time it is done to be seen as the blossoming of one’s vamprism. You could see it akin to a baby speaking their first word. Unfortunately Shu was able to transform before myself, and mother rather joyously praised him infront of us as he hung upside from her outstretched hand. It is not a pleasant memory, but rather few are. There are however two stages for us with pure blood. Where’s most vampires could change into a small bat form, usually for flying across larger distances, fitting into small locations, quick getaways or similar, we could also change into a much larger bat form. If you follow my blog here you may have seen them depicted a number of times. When a pure blood vampire learns how to change into that form is is more a sign of adulthood - Which leads me to clarify that the 'ages’ we have been assigned naturally do not reflect the actuality of our time spent alive. Age, as a concept works rather differently for us as vampires, but we’ll come back to this in a moment. I don’t recall when or how Shu learned to change into his larger form, I wasn’t there to bare witness. I actually don’t remember any of the others learning for the first time clearly, but we may reflect to see if we recall any in more detail with my younger siblings. I have a feeling Subaru might have done his by accident while in a fit of rage inside the mansion. My first time was outside, within the forest, isolated. So, if that is anything to go by, one might consider that the norm, and why I do not recall any other’s first times. However I do seem to remember Ayato appearing flying above the mansion yelling at everyone to look at him. I can only guess that was his first time, though we didn’t see the transformation it’s self. Generally speaking, we tended not to use our large forms. We had little need to, and they consumed a fair chunk of our energy to change into and to change back out of again. I know that I have seen all of my sibling’s forms at least once, along with mother’s, Karlheinz’s and Christa’s, but I don’t recall ever seeing Cordelia’s, which is why on the chart we made it is admittedly a guess, rather than done from memory. Dating Memories and Time Time is an incredibly hard thing to get down linearly when I was born in the castle in the Demon World yet later moved into the Human World. To my knowledge, time passes faster here in the Human World than it does in the Demon World, but if you were to move between them you wouldn’t notice any difference till your return back to your own world. Why do I believe this the case? There’s a tremendous amount of reasons, both originating from my own memories and also what is both stated, and implied in canon. The Fire The first time marker I have to go off of is when I discovered Shu slipping into the Human World through a gateway within the Demon World forest. I must have been the physical equivalent of around 7 at the time. The gateway lead to another forest in the Human World that eventually gave way to a small isolated town. I never visited myself, but I did catch myself 'human watching’ a few times, really just a chance to reaffirm to myself my own superiority. I never spoke to any humans, but the sun was bright and irritated so I often wouldn’t stay long. This eventually did lead to the rather infamous event of setting that small town ablaze. The reasons for this are complex, personal and would take us off topic to go into. So if curious, do go and read one of the wonderful character analysis some fans have written for me. I didn’t stay to watch the fire, though I wished I had. It was done at night after learning the time cycle between our worlds so that the time of day would be just right. There was a stables near the edge, and I crept in to undo the doors for all of the horses first before setting the barn alight. The large amount of straw there worked as a firestarter, and the wooden building it’s self enabled the flames to catch hold. Many of the buildings nearby were also comprised of mostly wood and/or thatched roofs, allowing the flames to spread and hop between buildings. As I fled I remember hearing a bell tolling as someone spotted the quickly expanding fire. DL, if you might not be aware, takes many notes of it’s world’s history from this world’s. This can be seen the most with the Mukami’s and their background, but unfortunately their influence I feel is something that might have distorted the original timeline. It would get into an awful lot more off-topic conversation to elaborate more on my Fictional Life Theory, perception equating to actuality and the link between this world and that of DL through mental retention while this post is already dreadfully long. So for now I’ll still to my original memories and maybe at some other time return back to that of alternative timelines. Though upon saying that, due to the fact I didn’t stay to watch, I actually know very little about what happened thereafter. The little I remember is simply the building architecture and the surrounding area. All I could say for sure is that it was European in origin and likely 17th-18th Century. Returning to the Castle the next day I did hear many hushed whispers between the maids about the fire, and that, “Many humans died.” Though I believe that this may actually be an exaggeration now with the death toll only reaching 20 or so when I’d gone my entire life believing it was somewhere in the hundreds. The Castle The Castle it’s self was truly beyond anything that humans could create here. It’s size was beyond any Human World structure, with a 16th Century interior and a somewhat distorted 16th Century exterior. I remember it’s seemingly mile high walls stretching high into the grey sky with many arches supporting it’s grandeur. This wasn’t just a normal castle, it was one constructed by Karlheinz himself, and it showed that in it’s might. The structure it’s self was incredibly imposing, as if it was some sleeping behemoth that might start to shudder and shake and come alive in an instant. There were however a few gargoyles that would sit on the corners. They weren’t made of stone, but actual demonic familiars. There weren’t many, but we could sometimes see them hopping between the high arches with their wings outstretched. They were there to keep us safe from other vampire clans, but an attack never happened, so we never saw them in action. This wasn’t the castle where Karlheinz worked from/lived, but rather created solely for his wives. An amusing thought is comparing it to a holiday home, though that might also be seen as rather an insult to his work, so I’ll refrain. There were three separate sections within it, one for each of his wives. Beatrix, Shu and I had the right wing, Cordelia and her sons had the centre and Christa and Subaru had the left. The design of the castle was asymmetrical, and as long as I spent living there I never got to see all of it’s hidden areas. It was filled with corridors, passageways, stairs seemingly leading nowhere, a multitude of rooms for just about everything, a ball room, a swimming pool (yes even back then, there was an outdoors one also), large kitchens, a laboratory, at least two libraries, multiple games rooms and more. Oh, I have gone off topic detailing about just about everything now haven’t I? There’s honestly far more that can be said, but if you’re wanting to hear about that it’s perhaps better you just contact me directly. I don’t bite.. So to speak. There’s other events to cover, such as Cordelia and Beatrix’ demise, but we’ll save that for another time and jump straight to the topic of brides. Sacrificial Brides You might ask, did Karlheinz send you brides? And the answer would be yes, and the same fate befell them as you might already be aware. It was very rare I ever involved myself, I left most of the 'interactions’ between them and the triplets usually, as they were the most interested in that sort of thing. There were only a few human girls who would try their luck with me, unfortunately I wasn’t interested in being charitable any more than the others. Their interest in me would quickly wane upon interacting, and that would rather set off a chain reaction. I don’t handle being ignored well, you understand. If you start something you should finish your goal, and I have little patience for those who don’t follow through. I would see echoes of my past in them, as I’m sure most of us did. They were dolls we projected our lives onto, and they suffered the result of that. However, disregarding all of the previous minor alterations from the 'canon’, this is the largest fork in the timeline, as I’m unsure if Yui appeared at all. Honestly the options are between, “Yui did join us, but did not pick me. It’s also unlikely she had Cordelia’s heart.” or “Yui didn’t join us.” Either case, the girls send to us was like drip-feeding, which does bring up the point of how we would feed but again, a topic for another time. The result of Yui never involving herself with me meant that tensioned continued to rise in the mansion. Being forced into a much smaller space as we were now made conflicts more common, and my relation to Shu, though already sour was nearing it’s breaking point - Till eventually, it did. The Thereafter I had already rid myself of mother, my next target had always been Shu. Without the counterbalance of Yui my focus shifted away from resurrecting mother, and purely onto Shu. The one who continued now to take advantage of my behaviours to live in denial and avoid the world around him. In short, I challenged him. One final duel. One final fight to the death. This wasn’t practise, this wasn’t brotherly sparing, this was my declaration for his end, and so we fought. Details again I’ll.. Have to write another time. But this is the most prominent point of my memories. The end result was that I won, just. He’d almost crushed my skull but a split second prior to my final blow. Beyond here things do get rather.. Well, I’d say 'personal’, but this entire post has been. But I was rather 'out of my right mind’ after killing Shu. I took to the skies in my larger bat form, calling to father all the while before I started to relapse into old memories. My identity, my concept of who I was was that of a monster, a murderer, and so I embraced it outright. I set ablaze another town and sat upon the spire of the cathedral to wait. Looking back on it, it’s honestly a rather immature cry for attention, but that’s the point I had been driven to. I had nothing left but the idea to destroy that which surrounded me. The world that had rejected me, the family who had ignored me, the ones who had denied me the right to be a concept known as 'myself’. I was shaped by the world to be recognised by it, and so now I bore a scar onto the land so I might be known to exist. I’ve actually written out a lot of this before in this blog post here, so you're free to read up on that for what happened in-between events listed here. Memories past this point do get a little patchy, but I do believe that I managed to seek out father myself upon realising he wasn’t going to come to me. I re-entered the demon world via a gateway in the forest of which I’d just told the elderly lady not to follow me. I made my way to Karlheinz’ main castle on horseback before confronting him directly. I do not know everything, in detail, but I do know I was ready for a fight to the death with father also, and didn’t expect the reality of what he decided to do instead. Ontop of one of the towers he changed into his own bat form - Though to call it a 'bat’ would honestly be a discredit to the scale of the creature he changed into. With four wings, four ears, three eyes and a continuously flowing white mane that drifted around his form as if he was submerged under water he bore down on me with his might. He told me to learn more, before encountering him again. I was still naive, immature and undeserving of his power. With those last words he eradicated me from that world, and, if my theory is to be correct, placed me into this one. Final The tests he has given me thereafter have emulated Shu’s life to force me into understanding his perspective, his emotions and life, and to learn the concept of kindness, love, selflessness and emotions in a way I have never been able to truly grasp before. What this life deals is often times ruthless, without remorse, without mercy, but if I am to live then I will find a way to live. If it is what I must do then I will do it. This is who and what I presume myself to be. You may judge me however you wish. This is my story, and I think unless I accept it, I will always be at ends with myself. Thank you for reading.
  2. Hey all. It's been quite some time since I've written a blog post! I don't really even know what to blog about, and I don't really think many read these anyway. But who cares really? I'll blog anyway because I can. Today I will talk about a few things, I guess. So, warning, pointless rambling beyond this point. So, life has been alright lately. My anxiety has been hell as of late. I've been dealing. The panic attacks are getting less frequent, so I assume thats a step forward. But there's no saying when this will start up again, it could be any time. You know, they come on without warning. It all might have something to do with my parents as of late. They haven't been getting along, you know. Parents fight sometimes, that's normal. But I can feel and feed of emotions of those around me. I don't know if that has anything to do with being who I am, or if this is how everyone is. All the stress they give off makes me somewhat ill, all the stress affects my anxiety as well I'm sure. I mean, when I say ill, I don't mean sick feeling like you would with the flu. It's different, but I can't quite explain it. I wish I could see Bendy more. He's literally the best thing that ever happened. I won't ramble your ears off about him, but honest to the gods I would to anyone that would listen. All I want by the end of each day is for to be in his arms again before I drift off to sleep like the good old days. I do sometimes, in the astral. But seeing each other in the astral isn't the same, but I don't know how. I doubt it will be the same unless we're truly together where we actually belong, you know? I doubt that will be soon. One day, I'm sure. But no time soon. The affections he gives are almost like food to me. I feel less ill, more energy, and so on. I'm not using him for it don't get me wrong. I'd be with him with our without it. Nothing would change it, you know? I can't quite explain how this all feels. But maybe some of you know what its like. I'm sorry we got separated, darling. The memories of home don't help with this, of course. He's not the only one I miss. The others, I miss them too. They were friends and family to me, of course. There are things I'd want to forget, like the whole ordeal with Joey, that bastard. Sometimes I feel anxiety about him though he's long since dead. It's probably to be expected. I mean, who gets over being experimented on and then seeing their adoptive parents die in front of them? (Rip, Allison and Tom. Yall were the best parents in the multiverse). Phantom shifts are weird for sure, like. Even though my wings and what not clip through things, but it feels like they shouldn't be doing that?? My wings also do this thing where they just floof open when I'm excited or embarrassed or surprised. Like FLOOF. They've always done this, here and home. Its weird. Floof floof. Also, my horns always feel like they'd get in the way when I brush my hair, like again back home. Alice used to brush my hair a lot... she was like my sister in a way. I miss her too. Gods Im hungry, pizza. I want pizza. That has nothing to do with this blog but whatever. This is a nothing blog. And thus I will end this nothing blog. You probably didn't read the whole thing, but alright alright. See you next time folks.
  3. Well, I suppose I should write a blog post documenting all that I recalled yesterday evening. I'd decided that I had enough small snippets of memories to attempt to stitch them together into some sort of narrative. Originally I didn't even think I had much of a 'personal' timeline, myself being from the original core point meaning that I am all timelines and interpretations in a way, though despite this I always knew that some telling resonated with me far stronger than others. Yesterday was the day I realised alongside being all versions, I also have my own personal timeline. This blog entry shall be a raw summary of my timeline from as much as I can remember, this was all written 'as' I was working through it and remembering, so it's a little disjointed, but it should still remain readable. There will be mentions of death and violent imagery in this blog entry. Our life prior to Yui was mostly the same, however we have the ability to change into large bat forms come full moon which we learn to do around puberty. I don't know if Cordelia's heart was placed into Yui as before however. She never possessed Yui as in HDB. (Actually maybe? The taste of her blood was the same.) I remember burning the village as a child, venturing into the human world for the first time I had little idea of where to go, just an idea of where Edgar went. I set fire to the stable after letting go the horses. The houses were mostly made from wood, but it was dark, and I didn't venture far in. I ran off as soon as I started the fire, I didn't even look back. I know I lose Yui, not that she was ever bound to my route anyway. There was no single route as like with the games. It was much more fluid and 'natural'. She was only with me a short time, and was soon taken by Shu. I tried to take her back... I didn't care for her, but knowing Shu had her was too much to bare. Tensions rose, but rather than me trying to kill Yui as I do in Shu's route, my conflict with Shu rose instead. Under the full moon we took up our bat forms and clashed. Shu almost crushed my skull between his jaws, but I impaled his with my scythe claw. Yui was not around, I only remember the triplets watching.. She might have been unconscious.. asleep? Tied up? I never found out. After killing Shu I knew father would take notice. I was filled with so much raw emotion... It was overwhelming, and the night was still young, so I took wing to the nearest human town and I attacked it with fire. After a time a vampire hunter had started to hone in on my position, and he found me on the rooftop. His attempt to kill me failed and I flew back into the sky where Subaru engaged me, tackling me at speed. I had no quarrel with him, but he did with I, and his fury was unmatched. He attacked me again and again while screaming his outrage at my murder of Shu. Eventually I managed to talk to him enough to stop, fighting in his batform in the air wasn't his style anyway, he hated that form. Reminded him of what he wanted to escape. The fact he'd changed into it at all showed his rage at my actions. This is as much as I had known/remembered previous to yesterday, but I found that through writing everything out linearly it helped to set in motion the memories of what happened there after, and so the following was taken from what I saw yesterday evening. Ruki and Kou were watching me from a rooftop and a crossbow bolt flew past my head so I flew down to investigate them and ask who they were, changing back into my vampire form. However I didn't get far till Subaru in his bat form followed, crashing down aiming for me. I stepped back in time and tried to reason with him while he was snarling at me and the Mukamis were standing to my left. I don't remember the words. I tried to convince him I was doing it due to father's plans to divert his rage elsewhere, he didn't become convinced but it was confusing enough for him to question his choices till.. A bolt from the hunter earlier flew into Subaru's head. Up through the jaw through his muzzle.. His face changed so suddenly, from that of anger, of pain and confusion at me to a wide opened eyed dead expression. With enlarged pupils like that of a dead fish, it was so fast. I'm confused. I don't know if I'm in denial of him dying or not, that sudden face change, that instantaneous loss of life. Where once there was life and now there is no longer.. It's something I've seen in this life many times. It's something you never get used to seeing. The hunter's Seiji. I remember him now, the hunter I made a deal with to kill my mother, and who promised to one day kill me. He shoots me next while I'm still stunned from witnessing Subaru get shot, it hits me on my left top side of my chest, just under my collar bone. I don't really feel it at first, I'm more furious at him possibly having killed Subaru. I'm torn to run away or fight, I don't know which to do. My emotions are pulling at me to fight but like this I'll lose. I can't give into the same rage that already got Subaru shot. No, I have to live. I hate myself for it as I run towards Ruki and Kou. They step out of the way but it's just enough cover for me to escape off the side off the roof. I turn into my small bat form, causing the bolt to fall free from me onto the ground as I limp-fly away to hide in some small roof space to rest. The hunter doesn't find me. I stay there for many days, slowly healing from my injury. I go out at night in my small bat form to collect herbs to help with the healing as the poison on the bolt was trying to seep into my system. I'd nested in the roof of an elderly couple.. no, two elderly ladies. I remember seeing them in their living room by the fire in the evenings as I'd wake up. I was on my own now, I can't go back. I don't even know if Subaru is still alive, and without my medical assistance.. He may very well be dead. The only other who might have saved him would be father, which he'd likely hate. He doesn't give without taking something in return anyway. Blood would help me recover faster, and though these elderly ladies aren't my prime choice, in this life or death situation they are better than nothing. I pose as a visitor in the evening, I greet them and ask if I can come in for I have some wears I'd like to sell to them. Seemingly appreciative of the young company I'm welcomed in kindly. They're free with their comments about my appearance, though one is more reserved than the other, and she stays in the kitchen more while the other talks with me in the living room. Speaking with humans is not something I've done at length before, and keeping my tongue in check is difficult, but I manage to get one lady on her own long enough to ensnare her with my eyes. Her body freezes up and I have to bite into her wrinkly neck. It's not pleasant, but the blood is life giving for me. I quickly finish up before the other returns, and the lady I fed from is freed from her spell as I excuse myself to leave. I think.. I meet her again. A long time after. I think she came looking for me, in the forest. I'm not sure when, but I remember guiding her back home(?) I'm not sure why I'd be so much kinder then.. There's a lot I don't recall yet. There are still scatterings of memories at points I'm not sure where they connect, I couldn't continue attempting to recall due to the stress from learning about Subaru's possible death.. as an indirect result of my own selfish actions. This is a heavy burden to learn of. Maybe it is better I don't remember? But that feels disrespectful to those I effected, to my family. I'll continue trying to piece the fragments together, not just for my sake, but so I can also take responsibility for my own actions there in this life. Things I still need to figure out: - Who are Ruki and Kou in this timeline? What are they doing with Seiji? Are they even connected? - Who is the elderly woman in the forest?
  4. It be me again. I like this more than whatever the hell I drew before of myself.

    © (Artwork) MariaTheFictionkin, (Angels of Death/Rachel Gardner) J.C.Staff

  5. Realising more parallels between my life here and within DL is both.. satisfying, yet also disconcerting. Especially when the aspects that are being matched are so impactful to my life and may lead to other more disastrous parallels. This is really just a post to get down some thoughts, so I will not be guiding your hand (the reader) if you are not aware of my source, apologies. I feel I have managed to identify a Yui, Shu and Edgar parallel currently, but if I’m correct in this this route progression as a result is.. unique. For it is less within the constructs of a route but perhaps more ‘classic fiction’ or some other linear story. I’m reminded of AU fanfiction at this point in time. All of which I suppose makes sense due to the linear format of time within this universe. Some other key events and persons I am still looking to find parallel to, but in writing this I recall that there was indeed a fire in my village.. at the time when I was visiting the Edgar parallel. The fire did not claim any lives, but in a sleepy community where it feels as if time it’s self is frozen waiting for intervention, it was certainly notable. I also recall my Karlheinz parallel here.. This is a lot to consider. I feel as if I maybe should have been looking for more of these far earlier, but the prospect of so much lining up I thought to be so improbable I didn’t dedicate any time to searching for them. Though, I believe I am at a point of enough indicators to actively put time into studying these parallels, and if they are simply my mind playing tricks via ‘wishful thinking’ or not. Not that there’s anything terribly wishful about this occurring. There are also more personal parallels in regards to myself; Chaos Lineage is certainly casting it’s toll on my perception of myself. To be written where my memory is wiped, and my identity ‘reset’.. and find myself struggling with the same is another result of my susceptible existence here as a parallel version of myself, not to mention also ZERO. ZERO I originally thought was about an AU version of each of us, but in reality it appears to be more a fragmentation of self - aka trauma fragmentation relating to plurality. So now I see a parallel to ZERO!Reiji and my fragment Sordis. Though, perhaps I should consider my struggles here with my identity have leaked into DL rather than there to here, regardless of the order of events, I don’t tend to consider myself impactful enough to control an entire entry into the series - this I believe is more something more echoed within the end of my More Blood and Dark Fate routes; questioning who it is I am, and my role that I play.
  6. awake again I remember now, yet im unsure why What are these visions that in my head fly? All I did was play a game. Now nothing seems the same. What are these feelings when I think of you? I feel like it all was true. At night I dream we're side by side I can't tell you how many tears I cried Unable to make sense of all this To understand it was my one wish But one day my eyes opened up My memories, all soon and abrupt Was more than a game, but truly my home All hidden away like an ancient tome and I'll pursue it all to the end It feels great to be awake again
  7. - NOTE: If you don't know who Shu is, or myself in regards to our source, you may be required to know at least the basics to understand fully the entire context of this blog entry. - - NOTE 2: This is directly copy pasted from my Tumblr blog. Any confusing phrasing may be the result of missing context. - The more I think back at my life here, the more I find myself frustrated with it’s similarities to that of Shu’s. This has been a long time in admission, and something I’m still unwilling to be taken beyond my methodical combing for fear of it being ran via imaginations of others. Thus, I’ve kept it to myself till today, though this is something I’ve realised and been keeping track of for about four months now, slowly accumulating more thoughts on it. There’s a painful irony in this, but with it it helps to solidify my identity in another area; I now fully accept and see myself as an ‘AU Reiji’. Before, I was still muddled and confused with the stance that I took, but with time I’ve been continuously thinking about my situation, and myself, and so reached a conclusion. There are three different ways the core self of a concept can be altered. Alternate Timelines (different routes), Alternate Universes (different elements) and Alternate Realities (Mental, Spiritual, Physical, etc.) AUs, as within the context of fiction, are alternate ‘universes’ where the same characters/world persists, yet altered in some way. This has always allowed fanwriters to truly enact their creativity, and it has even become integrated into some story telling themselves. A current popular example of this is Undertale, a story which utilised it both to work within the plot, yet also cleverly encourage fan participation, creating the juggernaut of popularity it is to this day. Diabolik Lovers, as a series, has also dabbled into AUs as of late, with their ZERO drama CD releases. Though this, we get an official nod that this is at least an approved way to think within the world, regardless if it is non-canon or not. However, till more are translated and released, we’re still lacking rather a lot of information about these, so I’ll hold off on any assumptions. It wasn’t a necessary occurrence from Rejet for me to solidify this theory, but I do however see it as important, and something I appreciate being created. The other is that of Alternate Realities, which is in essence the difference between fictional media and that of our physical reality here; an aspect that can’t be depicted in fiction, due to it’s bounds to that of fiction it’s self. Any attempt at emulating it would be merely an emulation within that of human minds, and is incapable of breaking into this world. That is, of course, until you consider fictionkin. My newly solidified stance is that alongside being an AR version of the core concept of ‘Reiji Sakamaki’, I am also in effect an AU. This, in hindsight feels obvious, but originally it was not, maybe due to my lacking of clear cut classifications for me to organise my thoughts and experiences efficiently. Originally, I thought an AU could only persist within the reality of fiction, however, on further introspection I feel this to be a fallacy. Due to human perception, one could repackage this reality’s observations into that of fictional mental perception, for the line between them can be thin at best. I’d go into this topic more, but it would make this post far too long, and I would digress rather. How one might class my AU really loops back round to my original topic starter; my very young life feels more akin to that of Shu’s, than of my own from the canon depicted within DL. To list a few points: I was born into a family that held high expectations of me. My family would keep me away from anything that might courropt or tarnish me, yet their own actions towards me could be argued as being just as bad if not more so. Despite putting little effort into my studies, I would usually get very high marks. There came a point where I had no friends, and the only friend(s) I had remaining were killed. However, come around age 12, my past flipped round to mimicking that of my own canon past: Rather than withdrawing in response to the loss, I tried even harder. Regardless of my own furious attempts to get better in life I was continuously knocked down. Repeatedly. Despite this I continued to try and ended up developing BPD. My parents started ignoring me, disregarding me, treating me as a failure. My technique for trying to get attention was by being well behaved. It didn’t work. Looking at both of these side by side, it’s easy to see that despite the first part of my life being more similar to that of Shu’s, they are all external, and my responses to the changes therein after were more akin to that of ‘Reiji Sakamaki’. So, despite this rather cruel irony, I do not feel it brings up any questioning as to myself. However, it is still a rather disturbing prospect to consider. As if it is true my life was essentially playing out that of Shu’s, one might see it as punishment, or maybe a lessen to see through his perspective. Though another take, without assuming such divine awareness in regards to my existence, there’s still the fact that if this is able to occur, then that also means there is a Shukin with a life more closely resembling that of my own past in canon somewhere out there. I’m not sure which concept is less appealing.. Yet, regardless of my personal feelings, it leaves a mental clarity that there was not previously. There are so many other aspects that have helped to re-establish myself, some I won’t list, yet there was one most notable. A second playthrough of MB brought on the re-realisation that regardless of my actions, I will always be me, and there is nothing anyone can do to refute that. I suppose I should be thanking Yui from that timeline however for that, rather than the game in it’s entirety. In short, revaluation is important for otherkin and fictionkin alike, specially in a world where the name is often tarnished by that of tend setters and naive younger persons. I feel stronger in myself, and it’s why I have attempted to ‘loosen up’ a bit on this blog recently, with the addition of memes and joke images. I want to learn to enjoy being here, regardless of my social anxieties, so I do hope my followers, both old and new are not bothered by my attempts to bring my blog back to being what it should be; an expression of myself.
  8. I do not leave the house frequently, but due to my friend Emie visiting from Norway we have been visiting some of the locations locally for sight seeing and various shops to browse, one of these such shops was a rather old antique shop. Built in the 1800's, these Victorian buildings aren't uncommon where I live, but it was more what it housed within that created an unexpected reaction. For those unaware, I (that is, my fictotype within the DL canon) am known for collecting silverware, cutlery and the like, for I enjoy it's form, composure and elegance. I 'here' have a much lessened interest, to that of a mild appreciation, rather than a fixated adoration. Because of this, I admit at times have felt rather saddened at the aspect of contrasting tastes, due to the fact I have had a fan once talk to me as if my arousal for cutlery still remained, and I had to disappoint. This is somewhat why I was a little confused and shaken by the reaction I had within this antique's shop upon finding myself in a section purely dedicated to that of silverware. Honestly, the amount of knives and forks that covered every surface, filled every draw to the brim was something to behold. I never thought I'd be enraptured by so many pieces of table instruments yet there I was; at first enjoying the browsing of the shop, yet then stricken by a jarring sensation of disruption of self. Words will fail to capture the utter dissonance of thoughts that went through me as my eyes gazed over the many knives and forks, a sensation pushed forward from depths of unknown proclaiming "I have done this before" yet the images showing hands not belonging to this body. Singular gloved and a darker room, mahogany table and intricate items. The images felt as if they 'could' be a memory, yet they felt unbelonging to this brain, an imprint from an other place, one not meant for this world yet tapped into through erroneous strings of tangled fate. I was not so shaken I couldn't remain, yet I still felt overwhelmed, and part of me gave words of caution to leave sooner rather than further subject myself to the environment. For what reason? Unsure. There's always a sense of breaking reality when it comes to my fictionkin experiences, to be moving through actions and processes that are reserved for fiction, rather than this reality. It feels 'wrong', on some level, yet also the only way it can be. Something to think about, I suppose.
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