Douchebag Genie

[Timbrilsom]

Okay, so here's the idea.  You wish for something, then the person under you plays the role of a "douchebag genie"; technically granting the exact wording of your wish but twisting those words out of context to turn it into something crappy.

For example, if I wished for 1,000,000 dollars, you would grant that wish by dropping 100,000,000 pennies on my head, thereby killing me.

You get the idea?

After you've granted the wish of the person above you in the worst way possible, make a wish of your own at the bottom of the same post.

I'll start.

I wish that Steve Jobs had never died and was still making innovative new Apple products

 

[Naia]

Granted, but in order to innovate, he changes the UI of the iPhone every release.

I wish the government shutdown would end and that all the federal employees could get paid.

 

[Timbrilsom]

Granted, but they get paid by literally printing more money, ultimately devaluing the dollar so much that it becomes useless.

I wish I could buy a big mac for one dollar

 

[Muffin]

Granted this mac is non-edible and is huge. An oversized plastic model lipstick that is too heavy to pickup from the brand M.A.C appears.

I wish my oven would heat up the food items I place in there equally.

 

[Timbrilsom]

Granted, but any food you put in your oven will be equally heated to the point of being burnt

I wish that Dragonkin could do that cool "fus ro dah" scream from Skyrim

 

[Snowshoe]

Granted, but they can not control it

I wish that I had a photographic memory.

 

[Timbrilsom]

Granted, but then your house burns down and your entire family dies in the fire the following day.  And you can never, ever forget it.

I wish for an infinitely regenerating, Manhattan style slice of meat lovers pizza

 

[Muffin]

Granted, but a slice would keep re-spawning where the second slice of pizza was placed. (If you placed it on a plate, wherever the plate is that is where the slices will spawn on top one another non-stop fresh as when you first got the pizza!)

I wish I could remember where I placed my keys/phone when I can’t find them!

 

[Timbrilsom]

granted, but as soon as you find your keys, you forget where you parked your car.  And as soon as you find your phone, you discover all your contacts have been wiped.  Have fun.

I heard that Will Smith was originally going to play Neo in the Matrix, but he turned down the role.  

I wish that Will Smith hadn't turned down that role and played Neo in the movie.  It could have been freaking awesome.

 

[beanjamoose]

Granted, but you're never allowed to watch the full movie or any trailers. You're only allowed to hear really bad descriptions from your friends who watched the movie.

I wish I could make money off my art

 

[Timbrilsom]

Granted, but the money is counterfeit.  So the next time you try to spend it, you promptly get arrested and thrown in jail for 20 years

I wish I could instantly get six pack abs by just snapping my fingers

 

[Faceless]

Granted, but the six pack abs appear on random objects and people around you, cool party trick though. 

I wish I had a never ending cup of coffee.

 

[beanjamoose]

Granted, but it's the kind of coffee you hate the most and the taste can't be changed, no matter what.

I wish I had angel wings.

 

[Timbrilsom]

Granted, you get a plastic set of angel wings on a keychain, about an inch big

I wish I had a Naco (like from The show “Kim Possibe”)

 

[beanjamoose]

Granted, but they're on your elbows instead of your head.

I wish I knew how to start a conversation without being awkward

 

[Timbrilsom]

Granted, you get sent back in time 200 years, long before the internet existed, so you're forced to either talk to people face to face, or starve.  2 years later, you've practiced the skill enough to be decent at talking to people.  But now you're perpetually bored.

I wish I could physically shape-shift back and forth between my coyote and human self.  But I flip back and forth between completely physically a coyote and completely physically human in a very binary way (there's no weird halfway states).  Also, I'm careful to only shape-shift when I know no-one will see it (that includes cameras too).

EDIT:  I just realized that wild coyotes don't wear clothes.  Crap.  Okay, so I'll have a little steel box hidden in the woods that I can store my clothes, phone, wallet, etc. in.  I'll secure that box with a combination lock that I'll just remember the code for (I'll make sure not to forget the code).

 

[South_Claw]

Granted, but you think like a 100% human in coyote form and 100% coyote brain when human. Also, you have no memory of what happened during any of your previous shifts.

I wish I was within walking distance of every place I enjoy to go.

 

[Timbrilsom]

Granted, you are now the Flash.  Unfortunately, you can't turn your super speed off, so you end up crashing through the wall of your house every time you just try to walk to the fridge.

I wish I could bench press 300 pounds without breaking a sweat

 

[South_Claw]

Granted, but you have reverse-stength. Essentially, you can physically lift anything you're not supposed to. However, anything you'd normally be able to lift is unliftable. 

I wish I could undo the burning of the Library of Alexandria. ( Look it up if you don't know already, it still angers me and I wasn't even alive for it }:/ )