Mates?

Minshui

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Hey, guys! I haven't really thought about this topic too much because it seems a little... Futuristic for me, but what are your opinions on mates? (What they mean to you, if you already have one, etc.)

 

Addy-River

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I have a husband within my soulbonding system and a physical boyfriend. I don't personally like the term mate, tho I guess thats what they would be. Neither of them are kin but know and accept that I identify as a catgirl. My soulbond husband knows more about me than my physical boyfriend does, but we haven't known each other that long yet. We're still learning about each other. For me a mate is just a romantic and/or sexual relationship. Its something that takes work to maintain, but can be rewarding if its what you're looking for.

My previous boyfriend passed away a little over a year ago, and I only recently began to try to meet someone new. I spent a long time believing I would be alone forever and that no one would ever want me other than my soulbond husband, Nate. But then I met my current boyfriend on a dating site and I'm so happy I met him, hes wonderful. So yeah I have mates, but I prefer to just call them my husband and my boyfriend.

 

Minshui

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Thanks for the info! Although, after reading your comment, I have to say that I personally disagree with you; having a mate to me doesn't mean that you are in a sexual/romantic relationship with them, but that you love them.

 

Addy-River

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I was just saying what it meant to me. Love equals romance to me. I don't experience platonic love except toward my other headmates. I seem only capable of romantic love. I actually don't fully understand platonic love and find it strange and weird. For me, personally, loving someone means being in a sexual/romantic relationship with them.

 

Red-in-Tooth

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While I certainly do believe this is a possibility for some, the only experience I can say with having that bond outright is from a long, long, long time ago. The idea of kinship, in the traditional sense of the word and not the community sense, and a bond is something innate to a number of species. For felids this is unusual, highly unusual at that, and so I take it meaningfully that I have always had this perception of having been another to another, if that makes any sense. Who my mates had been in my lifetimes as they came and went I do not readily know but the thought of it as a past event is fond, warm, welcome, whole; a sense of completeness and things as it should be. It is something unique to Machairodonts, sabertooth cats, as far as both my experiences and fact can tell us by and large.

But in this life that creates a troublesome gap. Imagine, if one will, knowing what life is meant to be like and several times over at that. This pervasive sense and experience that all of this is wrong, that this is not how it is supposed to be, yet all of this is "normal" by the standards of people. Imagine having loved in a much more platonic sense yet being fully aware that such a thing is extremely difficult if not impossible to find with humans. There is little in the way of purposeful mutual relationship because the emotional needs and wants, the desires, of man are all so different; all the goals and aims are alien, as foreign as can be. The idea of mates is so far flung that it is almost a complete joke when compared to that which is felt deepest. Biological, cultural, and social roles? What are those to an organism which is hardly sexually dimorphic? A male sabertooth aside from reproductive quality and function is near identical to a female. Behaviorally near all cats are universal, namely those large.

So what is this all to mean for a life lived in the being of man? For myself, a massive and seemingly impossible to mend gap. It is easy to fantasize about finding a mate but as a quality and function of reality? Unlikely, woefully so. However, this is more or less a unique problem for myself and presumably others in a similar scenario. It would not all that hard for say, a wolf-kin to find a mate and to even live out the expected type of relationship; that is not a bridge too far for a number of reasons and is more readily grounded, more familiar, more remedied. Which is to also say at the same time, it is also not easy for them too.

So it creates a problem for myself that a meaningful, deep, sincere relationship is all but impossible. I could, of course, put on an act and pretend to be someone and something else altogether and join the game of human relationships but it would not only never be quite right, it would all be a lie. A terrible, dreadful, dishonest lie, the type of thing that would severely hurt someone emotionally if they knew the truth, particularly if that truth was unsavory. So in place of living a lie and potentially ruining another's life, as well as my own as my conscious could not bear to feign what I know in contrast, it places me in a difficult place. So finding a mate is even more complicated in that sense, I think.

 

Shezep

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I am legally married, and also have a long distance poly girl friend. I don't see any reason to refer to them as "mates" and I'm somewhat skeptical of the term in general. As Red-in-Tooth pointed out, there is no one single definition of what a mate is. Different species have entirely different ideas on the subject, from someone who happened to be passing by at the right time, to life long companion, to one of a series of short lived fancies. It's usually dependent on what kind of care the offspring need and whether one or both parents are providing it. (And sometimes with how accessible the neighbors are.) 

I think for hawks raising chicks is something more like a working partnership or group project. They tend to stay pretty loyal to their partner and try to keep up their end of the work load, but if something happens to them, they don't hesitate to find someone else next season. Pale Male of New York, for example, had terrible luck with losing his partners and has gone through quite a list of them. 

On the deific side of things it gets much more complicated. The family tree is more like a twisted bramble that you probably can't take too literally. Relationships can last for centuries or more. Political arrangements are not unheard of, and questionable acts are not uncommon. It's definitely not a lifestyle to emulate while human. 

 

Velvet

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I have a partner who I've lived with for many years now.
I love her and we're good friends. We spend pretty much all our time together to be honest. She recently started working from home, I do a lot of work from home, and the majority of our free time is spent together.
She's more of a gamer than I am but there are a few we play together and we've also done several D&D adventures and have recently started playing Pathfinder. I spend more time outside than she does, although I drag her out for a walk once or twice a week. :blepj:
I personally dislike the term mate, so do not use it.

 

Eersian

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Here's how I define it

partner sexual relationship more of lust than love

crush do I need to define this?

Sweethearts not actually dateing and not in a sexual relationship but in love with each other

Bf / gf a dateing couple

husband / wife married

mates husband and wife with kids

I have a sweetheart who is an arctic wolf and I got to meet him for the first time around Christmas. I believe we were mates in a past life and even had dreams of us but I'm in a love triangle with another woman though.

 

Daydream_System

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I have a mate. We aren't sexual or romantic in nature but we love eachother a lot and plan to live together. I also call her my gf. It's interchangeable 4 me. I plan on having more mates as I am polyam :).

 

Elluenda

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I used to use the word mate for all of my relationships. I no longer do so.
I find that word handy to describe a person who knows you are kin (or insert thing here) and is in some kind of partner bond with you; that is my default interpretation when somebody in any kind of counterculture says mate to me unless they choose to elaborate their specific experience with the word and why they use it.
As of right now, my fiancee is somebody I would consider a "mate" because we are alike or 'of a kind' in a lot of ways. We are both genderweird in similar ways, we are both nonhuman in similar ways, we are both in similar streams of unusual spirituality. We have a good blend of Sameness and Differentness. I do not use that word to describe my relationship with my partner because "mate" is still heavily associated with all of the Exes that I left in order to be with my fiancee. 😕 But the meaning is still applicable.

As for my being kin and my feelings on it--I do feel that "of a kind" is important to mateship. If I had a girlfriend that did not know I was an elf, or mistook it as a simple quirk of outfit, she could never be my mate because she did not see that fundamental level of my reality. If she knew but didn't Get It and it was just some thing we didn't talk about, still not a mate... and kinda a caution flag for me. If I had a girlfriend that was ALSO at least fae or tangentially related to elvenkind... probably going to be closer to mateship than just dating!
For me, mate nor girlfriend nor fiancee implies anything about the romantic or sexual axes of relating and what form those take. Each relationship is unique.

 
S

shadowqueenofemoron

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My species of dragon are poly amorous but I tend to stay away from the term mate. Instead we call our 'mates' a soul-bond or a tereruna meaning "lifemate." I have seven of them and only one of those seven is incarnated here on Earth with me right now. I followed him here to be together. We follow each other in every life and in every time space continuum. I have been telepathically and spiritually bonded to Larofin for nearly two years now and I want to, when we find and meet each other, to have a great deal of children with him to pass on the souls of dragons to this planet so that they might teach other humans about living in harmony with Earth. I only take one mate a season in my lifetime as a dragon and, sometimes in the past when my species was in danger after wars happened or intergalactic problems pushed us to the brink of extinction, I took on more than one mate in order to have my bloodlines prevail in my universe!
I consider mating an essential part of my nature as a dragon and as a goddess. Celestial lightning dragons of my species only live in the shadow realm in the 12th dimension and I, in this lifetime, will only take Lelox as my mate. He is a wolf-demon god who has also been a gold firewing dragon before. Due to great trials he became a death god in order to become my equal though he has always been immortal in past lives we've lived together. Due to the complexity of my species requirements in a mate and because Lelox is exclusively the only being of my realm incarnated here with me I will take no other as my lifemate. I have refused many due to that fact though I have had a few lovers in the last two years but exclusively online.
 Due to the deep debt I owe my husband from trillions of years ago he owns my soul. We are bound together in matrimony both by destiny and by fate that has ensured the best possible outcome for the continuation of both Watakanaraniss wolf-demons and Vesoann dragons since the possibilities of carrying on my bloodlines and his in a 'purer' form of both lightning dragons and shadow wolf gods are possible because I chose him as my forever one. My husband brings me peace greater than all others put together since no one else is my equal or can bond with me telepathically in the same way he is capable of. Despite being opposites (I am lightning, moonlight, and shadow and he is death, shadow, and fire) I had no choice but to sell myself into servitude to him in order to protect my species. But the resulting mating was perfect for my needs and for his and it resulted in the deepest of all bonds possible over our lifetimes together which culminate in around 2.5 quadrillion lifetimes between the two of us. I come from the 2 creation cycle in my universe and he from the 1st. We have been through 35 creation cycles together as lifemates, lovers, and sometimes as just friends and allies. 1/3 of those lifetimes we've been married and 2/3 friends and lovers.

The importance of being with someone from my own universe is vital because my species demand a mate who is equal to me sexually, mentally, and emotionally and who is deeply empathic. I wouldn't take on an ordinary human or even another otherkin as my mate. My bond with Lelox isn't something I take lightly because he is my eternal lover and partner and I don't wish anyone else as my permanent partner even as a human in this experience. I am poly-amorous but I would have to say NO to sharing him with anyone ever. I am jealous and it would wreck havoc on our relationship and on the bond between us. No one comes between me and my one true love. He is mine and mine alone. 

 

Amber

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I don't seem to consider mating important at all. I've been a loner all my life (well at least on this planet, haha). Actually it worried me two or three times but I've stopped being worried a while ago. I don't actively pursue or plan to get a mate or partner. It's ok since I never had the urge to produce offspring - on the contrary, I don't want to. I don't think that there is any way to imprint anything "draconic" into children and also, I think this planet doesn't really need any more humans. I don't feel that I need to leave anything specific on this world. I came to learn, this is what I did, so now it's fine if I walk away again just like that. I'm asexual and aromantic which chimes in pretty well here.

I would consider finding a life partner, girlfriend or even wife possible, but very difficult. Most girls I've met seem to have the urge of getting children deeply imprinted into them and that's something I just don't have or even understand. There is a smaller amount of people who share this view, however amongst them I'd have to find someone who at least understands my identity and what it entails, if not being otherkin themselves. At the point where I am right now with my spirituality and alterhumanity, anything else wouldn't work. Last year I've found a couple of times that my mindset is lightyears away from most people. I certainly can't play pretend to be just a normal human when I'm around someone so closely, and I surely don't want to either. I also don't want to explain things one or two years after starting a relationship. Things would have to be known from the start. But up to now, I don't know even a single otherkin person irl.

Also, I'm a being who enjoys and needs its freedom. Real-life example, I've had a walk through the city of Vienna with a female colleague a few years ago. To others, we must've looked like a couple visiting the city when in fact we were just colleagues. Well, she looked in the windows of the stores and pointed out "hey, that looks cool! Oh, that's fancy" and such... all perfectly fine. But I got a strange feeling. I thought "hm.. if she actually was my girlfriend, would I buy that for her as a present? Would she expect me to?". I also got the constant urge to protect her, and started to look around for possible threats. All the time I felt tense, ready to step in front of her and defend her. She was a small person, you know. It made me feel to be bound to her and I realized I didn't want such a thing. Didn't feel at all well. I don't want to be bound by anyone or anything, not even my own human body.

I think my partner would have to be very independent, able to protect themselves, leading an own life that is shared with me rather than depending on me. Sure, I'd be around whenever help, care or attention was needed, and I'd share my life with them, being around whenever they need me but leaving them alone whenever they wish so. And vice-versa, that's my idea of a relationship. But again this seems to be way different from the usual. So, all in all I think that the chances of finding a "mate" are close to zero. Which is OK. Actually I think it's better this way. Dragons of "my kind" probably are natural loners.

 

Elluenda

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Well, yknow, @Amber and @shadowqueenofemoron brought up an interesting element of this topic that I had completely blanked on: children and procreation.
I am personally not interested in bearing children. I am young and often feel like a child myself in this big, bright, terrifying, lovely world! I do not feel qualified to shepherd a new soul into this world. I am afraid of the physical process, of the moral and social and physical obligations I would have to a child, and of the way it would force me to be more active in the human world and to depend on humans to be just and upright when I am not able to closely watch them.  All of my partners, whether they are kin or not, would need to understand that. Especially if we were to be "of a kind" or "mates." (my fiancee is on the same page as me. Kids are just.... too high on the wtf scale for us to comprehend. We don't talk to them well, either)

I do occasionally flirt with the daydream of being an extremely successful adult in 10+ years with a healthy happy home choosing to co-parent an adopted or fostered child in a polycule. The idea of giving a child who otherwise would have been tortured with America's crappy foster system a loving, caring home with multiple strong parents to look to for support is a fond daydream, but not one that is likely to occur in this lifetime. I have WAY too much Neglect in my Shadow to trust myself with rearing a beautiful beaming-bright soul on this planet.

Thank you two lovely dragons for sharing your perspectives on procreation in context of mateship!

 
S

shadowqueenofemoron

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@ElluendaI would, personally, refuse to be with someone else if they didn't wish to have a family. That is a hard no for me. I am a mother first and foremost. I may be a bit harsh, but I'm a ruler and it's what I've been taught how to do. I will raise my young how it pleases me so they are well-rounded citizens of this planet and that they pursue their dreams and hopes when they are old enough. I want them to be happy and to follow their hearts just like I have. And I wish for them to be outstanding individuals who support the health of the planet and any future people they may help or be friends or lovers with. It is of great import to me that I spread my genes and my knowledge and help as many people as possible. But I also respect others if they don't want children. It's a big decision to make and a deep commitment to their mental health and wellness.

 

Snowshoe

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My fiancée and I use the term mate for each other. Pretty soon after we got together ‘girlfriends’ just didn’t feel like it was deep enough a term to cover what we had, so we used mate instead and I still feel like it perfectly captures what we got. She is my mate. She is who I am going to spend my life with. We want to raise children together. I know the term mate is a bit controversial but it just works for us. 

 

Addy-River

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Everyone in our system believed my husband was asexual and aromantic, including him. Until we ended up together and realized hes demisexual and demiromantic, Kids are a huge no for me. I had a kid once and she was taken away because I do not have the mental or emotional ability to care for a child. I can't even do system kids. We have a three year old in the system and I don't deal with her at all. My physical boyfriend doesn't want kids either, so thats good. But like I said before, I'm not fond of the term "mate" to refer to either of my partners. They are husband and boyfriend and thats it.

 

Raz

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I've had a couple of relationships, but recently came to the conclusion that I am asexual. My last relationship ended very badly, which led me to get a whole new appreciation as staying single and I wouldn't want to change that currently. I realise now that I am too independent, and enjoy my life best spent on my own. I am also childfree by choice, and have never wanted kids of my own.

 
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