Wanting to be unwritten

D

deleted_56

Guest
#1
Have you ever felt so disgusted by how someone treats you that you don't want to be like them at all? Like you just don't want to associate with them on any level.

I personally feel this way and it's one of the things that stalls me when I try to look at myself.

Also the whole egos freaking out and attacking and/or claiming anything that looks like them.

But I want to talk about something because I can't stand it anymore honestly.

So. I tend to not really like revealing things about myself because I feel like once someone gets ahold of this information, it's like carving it into stone for them and then handing over the tablet. It's annoying because I can't be myself. Once it's there and stuck, I'm afraid I'll have to find new people to be myself with. Which isn't necessarily bad... but I can't imagine the rest of my life, constantly having to "replace" (for lack of a better word) people just because I can only be a certain way with certain people.

I mean obviously, we all change. But I feel like I have to hold back to a huge degree to avoid making the people around me uncomfortable or confused. I feel like I'm constantly tying more weights to my feet to slow down to a more logical, linear pace. Which apparently is good. Except that I feel really depressed. And overall it seems like now I'm waiting all the time for a kind of cue that says, okay, you can change now.

I like being able to change drastically overnight. I'm still the same person deep down, changing slowly over a lifetime. But I like to make surface changes and just... not be stuck in this little wagon with the slowest ox in the galaxy pulling me along and doing nothing but watching the world roll by. I like to experience different things. I'm really feel most comfortable when I'm "unwritten" as opposed to when I have a clearly define idea of who I am. I'm actually more confused when I try to establish anything, because the very next hour it might be different, or it can be interpreted different ways. And then I have all these stone tablets of stuff that doesn't add up. And sometimes it makes me think I'm lying to myself. So I doubt myself and double back. It really causes so many problems.

I'm not sure if I have like some kind of personality disorder, I'm just immature and shallow, or I just have a lack of understanding here.

Sometimes I feel like I'll miss out on happiness by being myself, whatever that might be, but on the other hand I'm afraid I'll spend the rest of my life depressed and faking it all, so it won't even matter.

Dark stuff I guess. XD

So any thoughts on any of this?

(This is a terribly disorganized post, sorry about that.)
 
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#2
I think I see what you're getting at. I get the same thing sometimes of, once you've created an image of yourself for another person you feel confined by that image.

The reality is that in any long term friendship both of you are going to change over time. Some things quickly others slowly. Part of a good close relationship is being able to share those changes, because the fact that you are changing is as much a part of you as who you are at any given moment.

That's what I've found anyway. I hope this helps?
 

DarkKo

New Member
#3
I totally understand what you mean. I have severe trust issues to the point where I bottle all my problems until I have a breakdown just because I'm too afraid to give people leverage over me.
 

Rowan1966

VIP Gold
VIP
#4
DarkKo said:
I totally understand what you mean. I have severe trust issues to the point where I bottle all my problems until I have a breakdown just because I'm too afraid to give people leverage over me.
I have trust issues as well...and it all started in the 8th grade when my first girlfriend cheated on my with her abusive ex (like, he had a temper that puts mine to shame...and that's really bad because have been known to have really bad temper. There are no words to describe how bad it is). Ever since then I guard my heart and keep my cards too closely to my chest, I suppose that's my headmate (Phoenix) influencing me because she's very protective and temperamental. Anyway, ever since then I've had many relationships and I could never get close to them (except for one person) or feel loved or love them back to the degree that they claim to love me.

As far as changing goes....I change a lot if I let some of my headmates front because they're personality differences can be drastically huge. Other than that aspect I myself change a lot and this is why i keep to myself. I am very anti-social and just recently I lost two best friends (thats a whole 'nother story in of itself) so my anti-socialness seems a lot worse to an outsider who doesn't know me know because I'm always by myself.

I've always felt like an outsider even within my own little group of friends...my anxiety and trust issues and everything else make sure that I feel like the outsider. I am constantly second guessing my friends' words and actions as well as my own. My Seasonal Depression (I have not been officially diagnosed yet,) acts up a lot during most of the school-year and that's when I get angry the most. So, my mood especially is always changing.

[QUOTE="Diamond Sky]I mean obviously, we all change. But I feel like I have to hold back to a huge degree to avoid making the people around me uncomfortable or confused. I feel like I'm constantly tying more weights to my feet to slow down to a more logical, linear pace. Which apparently is good. Except that I feel really depressed. And overall it seems like now I'm waiting all the time for a kind of cue that says, okay, you can change now.
[/QUOTE]
I very much so want to be unwritten as you put it. I want to be able to be fluid and change my ways, opinions, favorite things, and my overall personality. I am known to be a very dark person when it comes to the thoughts that reside deep in my mind and i can't let them out for fear that someone will see it in a poem, drawing, or any other way that I choose to express those dark thoughts. I feel as though I'm constantly having to hold back that part of me, especially around my family and that's when i get most depressed because I can't let that part of me out. I have so many emotions that are in turmoil and fighting with each other that I feel as though I'm in a constant state of chaos...therefore I am always second-guessing myself because I don't want to add to that turmoil and chaos in my mind.

I hope that made sense...if not tell me and I'll try my best to clear up anything that confused you. :)
 

Shezep

Holy Birb
VIP
#5
As someone who just walked away from a community I was with for several years, I get this. This sounds a lot like that polymorph issue I've been talking about. Staying in the same form for too long feels stifling. That was one of the reasons I came to this forum in the first place. I was getting stuck in one mode of being for too long. I was constantly ducking my head to feel like I fit in. It becomes a habit, and then the habit gets hard to break. That part is entirely my fault. No one asked me to do that. I just wasn't sure how to stop.
 

Amare

Six Wings Of Fluff
VIP
#6
When people are younger they can change a lot in what may seem like a quick amount of time - and thus their friends and companions can also shift and change, floating in and out of their social circles with the ebb and flow of the tides of development. That's normal and natural.

I am reminded of the notion that indeed allowing oneself to become 'labelled' and therefore fixed within a group can limit their ability to grow, change, or even just shift into whatever next they need to be. For a long time I fought against such labels, just to try and make sure I wouldn't be stuck with a mental image of myself that was too limiting or, at its depths, 'false'. But I think what happens is that you end up relating to other people as individuals - with each individual friend seeing an aspect of yourself that perhaps only they get to see. There's overlap between the perceptions one's friends and lovers have of you, but no single one gets the entire picture. And this isn't from trying to hide from them - it's a natural thing: each person perceives another through the lens of their own perceptions and understandings, their own resonances as it were.

If lucky, and also importantly if you're OPEN to the possibilities, you can find those special people who resonate the best and thus see more of you than any others... and can accept you better than any others. These are the people you need to hold on to in your life, because they also have the best tools to help you see yourself more clearly - or even help you explore parts of yourself you hadn't even considered. The special ones, though, never try to box you in to their preconceived notions - they support you in your explorations.

This can be tricky sometimes in Otherkin circles if a group-think starts to form, where in the excitement of meeting others who are all similar in kintype or experiences, the social need to belong to the group and FIT with the group takes control - and can warp one's self-perceptions to seem like a better fit with that group, with the group consciously or subconsciously demanding that alignment. Avoid those... seek instead people who help you fly, not those who would keep you bound to their own limitations...