Hi! So i’m new to the site and I’m here because I am questioning what I am just in general. I guess we should start from the beginning huh. Ever since I was young I just felt really in tune with nature. I could go outside as a child and just breathe in the forest where I live and it was like I was made of pure electricity. I’d play with my dogs as if I was just like them, on all fours growling and tugging on the toy with my teeth. Every time it rains I go outside and sit in the rain and it’s like I’ve never felt alive before until that moment. Touching trees I can feel the energy course through them. I can tell when they’re struggling, and maybe I’m just imagining it but I can feel their pain. They’re wiser than us, they’re stronger. When a big one falls I genuinely cry. I have no proof when I say that I feel like I’m connected to the forrest in ways others aren’t. Maybe I’m just looking for something that isn’t there, but something had to lead me here. So here I am.
A few basics: i love the cold. The north is my identity. Im going to college in alaska and i dont plan to move home any time soon. The snow makes me giddy like a child, i could play in it all day. I practice eclectic witchcraft and i love watching the seasons change. Im fascinated with so called human constructs. Gender, Time, Politics. (well time is a physical thing as well as a construct and it switches with space in black holes but thats not what this is about.) Anyways, there is a bio. Moving on.
I’ve been having dreams where I turn into a deer and am able to walk on a pristine lake. Everything is clear; crisp in ways dreams usually aren’t. The dream starts with me swimming, then I rise out of the water with the colors of the aurora around me. As a deer I skip around the water and the sky, there are woods all around me. It’s honestly the best feeling in my life. I identify with deer in a way, but not in every way. I feel their innocence, I feel like prey. I feel the way they freeze, every muscle tensing while the inner reaches of their mind panic and process. But i worry i’m assigning them feelings they’d never feel. They’re not human. The wants and desires of humans are alien to even the most intelligent ant. I’d have to imagine that works vice versa.
But like i said, its not in every way. I hunt. It gives me time to be the predator when I never am during my day to day life. Let me tell you something about hunting. It is not inherently bad. There is a way to do it respectfully. I don’t hunt for sport, only for food and hide. I use as much of the animal as i can and i honor every kill with a prayer. The meat industry is terrible for the planet, but i will never stop being a omnivore. So i find my meat elsewhere. Hunting, when done within legal boundaries, helps population control in lack of the natural predators that we’ve driven out. I didnt expect to like it. i expected to hate it. But sitting in nature, sitting in silence, that electrifying feeling from my childhood comes rushing back. Its not about the kill, its just about the process. I rarely have much time these days, school takes up almost all of it, but dedicating time to sit and observe makes me feel like my boundaries are dissolving around me. my mind returns to it’s most primal desires, food water shelter.
I itch to throw everything i have away, never brush my hair again, and spend my days tied up in trees and running with my dogs. All the time i have this inescapable desire to dissolve into the puddle of the woods, never looking back. Who am i? What am i? How do i assimilate into society and how do i escape? Any and all advice is appreciated.
A few basics: i love the cold. The north is my identity. Im going to college in alaska and i dont plan to move home any time soon. The snow makes me giddy like a child, i could play in it all day. I practice eclectic witchcraft and i love watching the seasons change. Im fascinated with so called human constructs. Gender, Time, Politics. (well time is a physical thing as well as a construct and it switches with space in black holes but thats not what this is about.) Anyways, there is a bio. Moving on.
I’ve been having dreams where I turn into a deer and am able to walk on a pristine lake. Everything is clear; crisp in ways dreams usually aren’t. The dream starts with me swimming, then I rise out of the water with the colors of the aurora around me. As a deer I skip around the water and the sky, there are woods all around me. It’s honestly the best feeling in my life. I identify with deer in a way, but not in every way. I feel their innocence, I feel like prey. I feel the way they freeze, every muscle tensing while the inner reaches of their mind panic and process. But i worry i’m assigning them feelings they’d never feel. They’re not human. The wants and desires of humans are alien to even the most intelligent ant. I’d have to imagine that works vice versa.
But like i said, its not in every way. I hunt. It gives me time to be the predator when I never am during my day to day life. Let me tell you something about hunting. It is not inherently bad. There is a way to do it respectfully. I don’t hunt for sport, only for food and hide. I use as much of the animal as i can and i honor every kill with a prayer. The meat industry is terrible for the planet, but i will never stop being a omnivore. So i find my meat elsewhere. Hunting, when done within legal boundaries, helps population control in lack of the natural predators that we’ve driven out. I didnt expect to like it. i expected to hate it. But sitting in nature, sitting in silence, that electrifying feeling from my childhood comes rushing back. Its not about the kill, its just about the process. I rarely have much time these days, school takes up almost all of it, but dedicating time to sit and observe makes me feel like my boundaries are dissolving around me. my mind returns to it’s most primal desires, food water shelter.
I itch to throw everything i have away, never brush my hair again, and spend my days tied up in trees and running with my dogs. All the time i have this inescapable desire to dissolve into the puddle of the woods, never looking back. Who am i? What am i? How do i assimilate into society and how do i escape? Any and all advice is appreciated.
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