An old friend

Several years ago, when my awakening as a spirit entity had just begun, I had a headmate - my first - who I called Dragon. I don't know what his real name was, if he had one at all. The name I gave him was particularly unimaginative, because he did take the form of a dragon. He was, among other things, a kind of embodiment of my spirit kintype (though I certainly didn't know this at the time). At the time when I was most resistant to the idea that I was anything but a simple wolf, he appeared. I guess I had suppressed that part of me for too long, and it took on a life of its own in the recesses of my mind; a psychological being with my soul at his core. And he... well, he terrified me.

For one, he brought about my first experience of not being at front. I couldn't control him and he would take over seemingly at random, whenever he pleased, and there was nothing I could do to stop him. He never did anything wrong (except stare down my parents a few times), but that feeling of helplessness and lack of control was... anything but fun for me. Our communication wasn't great. Sometimes I'd experience periods where I couldn't remember what had happened at all. If things had continued like that, I - or, I should say, we - would probably have ended up hospitalised. We were pretty damn dysfunctional and it showed. The fact that he was, to me, some eldritch god from my worst nightmares, really didn't help the matter.

But the thing about Dragon was, he was never mean to me. He was, if anything, very protective of me. He seemed to understand I was scared, and he wanted the fear to go away. But he also wanted me to accept him as a part of myself. It took me a while to realise that, but he was quite insistent. He would explain things to me, things that absolutely twisted my brain to try and comprehend - things about the world, about spirituality, about science, about myself. He knew more than I know now, even after years of introspection and research. In fact, most of that introspection was based on what he told me all those years ago; things that only started to fall into place and make sense years after I'd first been told them. His way of communicating was strange, especially at first - he wouldn't use words, but rather the force of thought itself, and it would take me hours... days, even, to decipher what he meant.

The other thing that really stood out about him was his anger. Never directed at me, but... everything else was fair game. He was full of this cold, compressed, self-controlled rage. It's a feeling I've come to know well; after all, it's as much a part of me as it was of him. But I didn't know that back then. To me he was just this... force of nature lurking in the back of my mind, waiting to come out and take charge.

Despite our rough start and difficult situation, I eventually got used to him being around. You really can get used to anything, I guess. We learned to communicate better. He stopped fronting so much, then at all. And over time, weirdly enough - despite all his rage and the fact that he was, to me, some kind of terrifying monster - I came to appreciate his presence. He made me feel... safe. And over time his rage seemed to subside a bit, and be replaced with some kind of bone-deep weariness (another feeling I've come to know well). He became a friend. I would talk to him about my worries, and he would listen patiently. And I guess I'd just started to accept that his presence was a part of who I was - who we were - and that it wasn't necessarily something to be afraid of.

Over time he spoke less and less, until one day he was just... gone.

…Except that he wasn't, really. His baggage remained. There was still feelings of being something beyond myself, something ancient and powerful - but those feelings, oddly enough, were mine. Not his. And I felt different too. Like there was a depth to me that hadn't been there before. It was strange. Still, it must have been over a year later that the thought finally hit me; he hadn't disappeared, we had merged. And it was easy enough to figure out why - he split off from me because I was suppressing a part of myself. As he taught me to accept that part of myself, he reintegrated into the whole. But what was left wasn't exactly what had been there when it started, and I still don't feel I'm exactly the same person I had been before that had happened. There's no particular evidence for it, just... a feeling, like what I am now is actually a mush of what was the original "me", and what he was.

This whole ordeal was actually pretty short-lived, all things considered - he appeared, then less than six months later he was gone.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I guess because I've been feeling so disconnected from myself for quite a while, and I don't know why. I feel so... human. And it's disconcerting. Much as I try to reconnect with myself, it feels like something is blocking me and I just can't get past it. I've had some success with meditation, but it's always short-lived, and it doesn't seem to quite cut it at the moment. I've tried contacting my Wolf friend, but he's a no-show (not unusual, he shows up as and when he pleases; he's never done what I wanted, aha). But thinking about beings in my brain that exist entirely out of my control got me thinking about Dragon, and how much he helped me connect with what I really am. Sure would be great if he were here now, to get me through this slump and help me reconnect with myself.

…But he's not gone. He's still here. He's in me somewhere. So that makes me wonder if... maybe I could find him again? I know it's a weird idea, but eh - weird problems need weird solutions. If anyone could ever make me feel connected to my non-human self, it's him. I wonder if it's even possible for me to split him off again? And how I would do that? I guess I need to think this one over. I don't think there's any way it could go "wrong" or anything, and I don't really mind one extra person in the brain - I just honestly have no clue how I'd go about getting in touch with him after all this time. It's gotta be possible though, right?

Well, I guess we'll see about that.


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