back on my shenanigans

Instead of doing my work, once again. I'm gonna regret this on Friday! I sure regretted it last got done, but oof, it took a lot of, well, work.
So last week or so I posted a post, as one does with posts, and talked about that creature. You guys, I found an art. It's not my art, as I have conveniently marked on the picture for your viewing pleasure. And it's not the same creature as I was talking about before. But I want to share it with you because HOOOOOO it gives me the same kind of feelings.

Look at it. Get the feeling of the whole image. Those postures. I really need to start drawing more because I wish I was this good. In a lot of ways, it's very similar to "my" creature. But it's also very different. Like the details are pretty different. It's clearly not the same thing, but at the same time, it looks like it could be a cousin. It's got the same overall vibe to it, I think.

Besides the creature. Uh. Hey, I just noticed the track in my mix that I'm listening to right now is called "Magnificent Desolation". Well, that describes my mood perfectly, when I think about my inner world, that place which I "come from". You know what else does? This Yellowstone picture I took. I'm going to quote the link and you can copy paste it, because it's too huge to embed. warning it's really huge.

Big road going through a thick forest, over some water, to probably nowhere, with no one around and nothing but the sky to witness you...ok that's a big lie, this is the road to Old Faithful and it's pretty damn crowded. That's the feeling it evokes though, and the one I get from "my world". Empty but full of life if that makes sense no it doesn't I'm moving on.
I've been reflecting on how alienated I feel, and always have felt. I wonder if that's why I keep coming up with these alternate identities. Assuming they aren't real, which, who knows maybe they are. If this is real, though, I'm afraid for what it means. Let's assume it is real, that this creature exists and I am it, that this world exists and I am from there. That might mean that I've lost everything. What if these are memories of the past? Of a world long destroyed. Abandoned. That's how I feel when I think about it, just, abandoned. I've been abandoned.

I used to love Lilo and Stitch for a reason, and that reason was aliens. Who was Stitch? Lost, he was lost. He broke out of confinement and landed on Earth. And then he got adopted into a family, ohana, where 'no one gets left behind.' God that stuck with me. That, and the movie where he 'has a glitch.' He was measuring himself in 'good' and 'bad' percentages and grappled with the idea that he was somehow bad or defective. And of course the show is where I learned the word 'abomination' which, I always felt described me. Like I shouldn't exist. Abomination, aberration, thing that should not be. Of course, Stitch was none of those things, and he found a purpose. That's what I'm looking for, I think.
Then Finding Nemo. Nemo, the last fish of the litter. With that fin of his. He was underestimated, treated differently, and guess what he got lost. The whole movie is about him being lost, and then of course, found.
Avatar, the last Airbender, last of his kind. The episodes that stuck with me the most are probably completely unsurprising. The southern air temple, and Appa's lost days. The first one, he goes to the air temple and finds it abandoned. Finds the bones of his old friends. The second, Appa gets lost and the whole episode is about him being lost, and...hell he visits a different air temple in that episode, which is also abandoned save for the old man. Abandonment, being lost. What else is new?


Ohhhhhhhh yeah the draenei!!!! How could I forget them in my media influence round up. Exiled ones, their name means. They came from Argus which got destroyed and turned into a demon hell world, then they landed on Outland and that got messed up to frick, and then they crashed on Azeroth. I kind of feel like that too, like I've been forced out of somewhere, but where?
Interestingly when I was like 8, I used to say I had been 'exiled' from another world. What world, me, what world??
Ohhhhh this song. Imagine finding a lost city under the ice in Antarctica?? That's the lost city of Tinnos level! I used to love it. In fact I loved the level so much I picked up TR3 again years later just to get back to it. Guess what, it's another lost and abandoned cold place.
oh and CORMORANTS??? literally a creature that gets killed for being a cormorant. like they kill cormorants just for existing.
and the pachycephalosaurus is an extinct animal, maybe that's where I get the feeling of being from a world that's lost forever?

(don't mind all these comments, I'm just adding ideas as they come along)
Maybe the word I'm looking for is 'liminal' because I get The Feeling from "liminal spaces" as well
The definition of liminal: relating to a transitional or initial stage of a process. occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.
yeah maybe that's it
do I feel alienated because I'm in some kinda weird transition stage or something

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