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Different facets

It has always been hard for me to put words on how I feel. My theories change depending on my mood, and something that feels absolutely correct one second will feel like a childish thought the next moment. Nonetheless, even when I have tried to doubt my identity as a roadrunner, I always came back to it. It was just the most logical for my mind. But is it the most logical because it's what I am, or because it's what's easiest for me to swallow?

When I was a young child, I was definitely very draconic. I remember several "avatars" I used to represent myself, all dragons. A reddish or green wyvern in Kindergarten, then a diamond wyvern inspired from dialga right as I left for 1st grade. Again a red wyvern after that. I daydreamed of the ground opening up into a volcanic rift in which I would fall and be reborn a dragon. I played as a dragon with my friends too, a strange sort of tag where my arms were wings and Icould roar to my heart's content. I really like to roar, I'm kinda sad human customs have rendered me mute in that regard. I sometimes try to roar like I did again but shame just keeps my throat silent. My parents say I didn't always have an obsession with dragons, and that as first it was dinosaurs, but as far as I personally remember, I feel like it was always dragons. I did like dinosaurs though, they also fascinated me. But I don't have a collection of dinosaur items and book, I have a collection of dragons.

There were also some general avian things, like feeling a crop in which I desperatly tried to put food to feed imaginary youngs when I played pretend with another girl. The need to care for eggs, and youngs like a bird. A fascination mixed with hunting urges directed at small animals. Already I think I liked raw meat and fish, but I'm unsure. I was a very picky eater though, going for days without eating at noon just because it wasn't right. I'm still a bit picky, but less so. I definitely have unconventional tastes compared to my peers though, and would take offals over a cheesecake any day of the month.

I think this avian/dragon duo started to be disturbed by the third side of myself, the monster, when I left elementary school. It took time to actually settle, and I had already an interest in the morbid in elementary school, I absolutely adored Slenderman. I think that side of me was mostly provoked as a coping mechanism. On the last few days of school, I made the error to try to copy the way other girls had of talking of each other when they were not there. I did not mean it badly, but I still regret what I said. I got struck back right aways, and two girls I thought of as my closest friends insulted and screamed at me over phone call that I was a bad person, a traitor, and a liar, which always stuck with me ever since.

I was completely terrified when I entered middle school, and it did not help me. I do not actually remember a lot from this time, a few things are coming back here and there but a good two thirds are honestly just gone. I spent a good part of my day in daydreams to avoid the isolation. I think I had a few people who considered me as friends, but I didn't trust them and expected them to hurt me at one point or another. I'm working on that now but it's quite hard. I think my monstrous identity stems from these daydreams. I first took the name Sunabi (Suna-Hebi, Snake of Suna) as it was my name in a daydream where I was a wyvern in a dragonified Naruto world. But the dragon changed to a creepy looking feathered drake with burnt wings over time. I vividely remember scars I got in daydreams in this period, and I was convinced that my daydreams were real, and that my soul was just stuck here when I was awake. I was convinced that one day I'd shapeshift and be able to leave this world. It obviously never happened, but I only started to snap out of it in 9th grade.

That avatar hasn't really changed since, although it did heal. I don't represent it with burnt face and wings anymore, but it does make me uneasy to sometimes look at pictures of it, similarly to how smelling the scent of leather jacket makes me revert back to that scared state I had. I think that being alienated from other kids basically made me believe what had be told to me, that I was a bad person, so I represented myself as a monster who could defend itself, teeth to snarl, claws to strike back, and wings to fly away, but the last one felt out of reach and thus broken.

Nowadays, I still have that avian part of me I started with, but the draconic part is mixed with that monstrous copinglink, so it's hard to tell what I personnally am in the end.

(old blog)

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Hemlock
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