Woohoo, two in one day!

Decided to make this other blog entry to adress something I don't often feel comfortable sharing, some beware this is a bit of a vent.

Even in the community, I often feel alone, and outside the norm. It can swing both way, sometimes I feel like I'm too weird, too animal, too disgusting or rude and that was it not for the screen between me and the person I am talking to, I would not be welcome. Other times, I feel like I'm not able to relate to the community, it's what drove me away from dragons the first time, the astral travel, the magic, it's just something I have trouble connecting to. I was never a very spiritual person. My paganism is barely paganism, simply a personification of survival in the form of the Serpent, I have never been able to talk to any spirits like other seem to do, or meet dragons in the astral. I don't even connect to the idea of past lives, so present in otherkin.

I'm not someone who is very well adapted to build friendships. I love people, but I am rude and impolite where i mean not to be, strange when i try to fit in, strange when I try to show that i care, strange when I try to emote, strange overall. I don't remember faces, do not say hello because a barely perseptible sign of the head or the way my eyes look at you should do the trick, I forget that it does not. I like to annoy other, play fighting to show my happiness, but bite and hiss and puff and make a fool out of myself. I don't like hugs, arms to tight around me. My face is often harsh and cold, haughty, looking disgusted at who i look at, because i'm not the one in control of my muscles. My laugh is hissy or hyena like, my voice too loud, my arms all over the place expressing what i can't with my face, and people don't enjoy that. I claw when I feel overwhelmed, forgetting that it does hurt, and feel embarassed and scared afterward, because it's not the first time someone would have wanted me to go away with good reasons.

I relate to people with autism, and nerodivergences, because I have similar traits, but who knows what my own case is. In both, though, I have trouble controlling it, especially when I trust people, which hits all the more harder when I find myself punished or pushed away because of it.

It has worked in my favor sometimes. My weirdness make me someone rather unique, and some people don't mind a soft bite on the hand or a few strange noises when i'm dozing off. I've found wonderful people who are ok with my animality. But i'm still scared because I know other might not be, and that being alone hurts.

This insecurity plays it's role in the nonhuman community, where even there I struggle to form bonds, distrusting other and fearing they may talk behind my back or mock my behavior. I can't quite know if I feel like I only have one theriotype because I have learned at first that it was the norm of a therianthrope, or because I truly am only one creature. I can't quite know if some things are I say are always true, or a panicky lie my brain made up to fit in. I try to stay true, but it's tricky when your brain plays against you.

I feel threatened when people I know have experiences I cannot relate to, when they are with other groups talking about things i am ignorant about, because I fear losing my grip and falling back into the mindset I used to have, the loneliness and the violent thoughts. And then I feel bad sharing things about me that are similar but not quite, feeling like an impostor, a copycat. I do not vent, I do not form close bonds, because if I open up I am scared people might not enjoy what they find, and it safer to just talk about what i'm here to talk about and leave. So yes, more of a problem of mental health than nonhumanity I suppose. But they are still intertwined, and it's a difficult thing to deal with.

old blog. doing good rn!


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