• Site Maintenance in progress; pardon our dust!

Dreams

Little break, but back again into writting!
I've been researching the possible cause of my black drake identity recently, which I talked about a bit in the "shapeshifter" blog. It's an identity that feels almost separate from me, to the point where I even considered the possibility of it being a sort of halfway "alter" sort of deal perhaps, where i would have dissociated with what I link it to. Turns out there is a much more likely answer :
When I was a kid, I was always a daydreamer. My nonhumanity as a winged beast shined through that, as I imagined myself as a dragon, being able to do what I thought I should be able to, fly, hunt, snarl, vocalize, all the things little kids want to do to look cool when playing an animal. I didn't really grow out of it, or change my prefered specie though, unlike most of my human peers, who switched between wolves, cat, knights or princesses when they wanted to. I was a dragon, and a few times, a bird. That's it. More specifically, I always had the body type of a wyvern, which aligned with my avian urges, combined with more draconic things.
When I grew into middle school, I wasn't very well mentally, having taken a hit on my confidence and trust in others due to some events. Sadly, this, combined with my weird nature, made me a bit of an outcast throughout these 4 years. It's during this time that I developed the black drake, along with the noemata it generated.
I now believe from looking into maladaptive daydreaming that i am an immersive dreamer, which simply means that my daydreams are highly detailed, and that I probably either maladaptive as a coping mechanism in middle school, or developed unhealthy coping mechanism through that immersive daydream. The black drake is simply a paraself, a character through which I represent myself in that dreamworld, that grew obsolete through the coping mechanism i had associated him with, and now does more harm than good. I'm currently trying to heal on that side too, and trying to find a way of adopting a new paraself that would be healthier for my mind, while not feeling the guilt I had felt when trying to rid myself of the black drake previous times.

(old blog. amusingly, paraself does not negate the possibility of a kintype it seems)

Comments

There are no comments to display.

Blog entry information

Author
Hemlock
Views
48
Last update

More entries in Alterhuman

More entries from Hemlock

  • HK questioning
    made this ramble for a discord, safekeeping it here. Feel free to react...
  • Lonely bird
    With all the preparations for my new appartement for the year to come...
  • Bookwyrm
    Sometimes I wonder how much of my draconity is instinct, and how much...
  • In sync
    As a bird, I tend to get nesting and brooding urges around early summer...
  • Reborn
    I don't doubt that, psychologically, the black drake, form that I use...

Share this entry

Top