Just life things, really

Ah, I'm glad the blogs are back! I missed being able to ramble about myself here, aha. Even if I don't find the time to do it as often as I used to.

Things have been... a bit busy, lately. And kinda difficult, not gonna lie. And in the midst of all this... human-ing, my true self has been pushed to the wayside. I feel pretty disconnected from myself at the moment. Seems like a common theme for me these past couple years, if I'm being honest. I feel less and less like... me. I still have shifts and whatnot, but the core of my otherkinity, the actual feelings at its heart, all seem so far away right now. I don't like being so engrossed in being human, but what choice is there? I've got a life to live. I just wish it didn't feel so much like having to choose between being happy and being me. I'm just being dramatic though, really... all it takes for me to feel like myself again is a few minutes meditation, and I can find time for that. I'm sure I can.

So... I guess one thing that's kinda fuelling the disconnect is a recent diagnosis I've received. I have bipolar disorder. Have had symptoms for a long time and the psychiatrist finally noticed it's not "just" depression. I've been diagnosed with bipolar II, which is usually seen as the "milder" version of bipolar (but doesn't feel very mild to me). Still, sometimes I wonder if I actually have bipolar I and just haven't shown signs of it yet because I'm young. Either way, it's a pretty difficult thing to have. And getting a diagnosis of it kinda shook me for a while - my family has a history of it so I really shouldn't have been surprised, but it somehow took me off-guard anyway. On the one hand, I feel lucky to at least have a pretty decent awareness of what the illness involves, since I have family members who have it. On the other hand, I've seen what it can do at its worst, and I'm terrified of reaching that point. So yeah, it's been a lot to process for me, and I'm still figuring things out.

One of the scariest parts of it for me, though, isn't the mood swings - it's the fact that bipolar often comes with psychosis. And, most notably, delusions. Which is where the disconnect with my kintypes comes in - because what if they're just delusions? What if I've been delusional this whole time and not known it (because how could I)? And that possibility has been particularly difficult to deal with. It's not even just my kintypes I was stuck doubting, but my whole belief system too. I know my spiritual experiences have been more... intense than most people experience, and that just made me worry even more. After a bit of thought, I came to the conclusion that my theriotypes probably aren't delusions, because the experiences I've had of being a wolf and nimravid seem pretty far removed from what people with bipolar delusions seem to experience - there's no grandeur to my experiences with those. My spirit kintype, though? I don't know about that one. There's been times in the past, when I've been particularly unhealthy, where I'm sure I've veered into delusional territory. Does that mean the whole thing is a delusion, though? I... don't think so. I think there is some grain of truth to it. But I'm certainly going to be approaching any experiences I've had with more scepticism from now on. And it has made me wonder whether it's really a spiritual thing, or just some psychological quirk caused by my illness. I don't suppose it really matters in the end - I'm still me, with all that entails.

I suppose right now is when I could possibly benefit from this community most - knowing I'm not alone in what I feel has always been a huge reassurance for me - but I don't know if I'm going to be really active here again any time soon. I check in often, but rarely have the energy to actually engage. It's a shame, and I wish it wasn't the case, but it's not just KM I've distanced myself from... it's been hard for me to connect with and talk to people overall, and I'm rarely active in any of the communities I'm part of lately. I just don't have the energy to interact with people much. I feel drained. I don't know if that's something related to the bipolar, or some other underlying health condition (but, well, I'm getting my blood tested just to be sure it's not any sneaky physical issue that's causing the problem).

Anyway, despite all that, it does feel good to be a little active here again - even if it ends up being just for today! I wish I had more to talk about, honestly. It's been pretty quiet despite everything. Maybe that's another reason I haven't been as active as I wish I had been... there's just not all that much for me to talk about, weirdly enough.


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