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Of wolves and (mostly) Zhuards--my awakening

I didn't know blogs were completely wiped out so...I'll restart with the basics /transferring
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I needed something I could point others to when the topic of awakening came up. For me it is a complicated subject that would be tedious to rewrite so this is a shortened autobiography here concerning this subject.

First off, I identify as a suntherian/otherkin: my identity is ever present with various degrees of shifts. I've been awakened twice over the span of many years with my knowledge growing as I entered the kin community eight years ago to date of this post. The beginnings of those years were spent questioning. Now there is nothing much left to question- in the case of identity.

My wolf kintype awakening was easy to figure out. As a kid I was wolf crazy and the usual- in similar fashion to any young wolf loving kid. As I got older I realized that I’m not all that crazy about canids as I was back- then but the wolf persisted. I've come to embrace such a familiar feeling in my life- that of the wolf-and its influence most likely from a past life or perhaps two where I was a wolf. I've looked up other canines, the research and hours of listening to sounds; everything a newly awakened therian would do. As I always say, time will tell. I was one of the lucky ones in that regard. I was a wolf through and through. I believe myself to have been/be a Mackenzie valley wolf but my interest in finding out if that was a 100% fit waned as time went on (although it most likely fits).

That is simply because I have another kintype that is much more prominent and demands that level of introspection only on a deeper level. The wolf was in the past, and remnants remain now--will I ever be a wolf again? I do not know. But I will feel at home once more if it so happens.

The zhuard is much more complicated. My awakening did not happen until years after the wolf awakening and I had to step away from the community to figure it out- to be without influences. The awakening I got was pointed to in several directions, from my hyena totem bringing up my sexuality (which really the hyena was guiding me closer to the realization of zhuards and their anatomy), the shifts that were more persistent than cameos that felt very odd and difficult to pinpoint, to the deeply ingrained feelings I've harbored in life. Why I felt so strongly on certain things when I was younger and shouldn't have had concepts of such things to begin with.

On one afternoon, I finally got to have a dream (now several years ago) that showed me a black zhuard sprinting through the woods and skidding to a halt.. looking at me. This zhuard was in terrestrial quadruped form and was clearly not me as I was looking at him. I tensed and responded very aggressively with body language- and that was it. I woke up. What exactly happened? Just a creature from 'dreamland', the mind piecing things together? I didn’t have any information available to me, and it was just a dream...except nothing that described dreams-as abstract jumbled thoughts- felt like that one. I am one to understand my dreams well as they mean so much to me now, and I can tell when it's a non kin dream when elements of this world are brought into it. But at the time I treated it as such- a normal dream-with an intrigue on the individual I saw. Why he and his species felt familiar, why my shifts often reminded me of such a form although though not the only one.

I decided to start drawing what he was after that having previously not been aware of the creature that gave me such feeling. I decided to make a character that wasn't him per say, even though I knew that zhuard was very much an individual himself, but one that I would know soon. Thus a fictional character in every meaning of the word was born: https://sta.sh/024xice012ks


Jarek had several features that zhuards did not 'grow out of' as I learned more about them. He was a mimic of the black zhuard I saw-Ivan- and was just a “poster child” for my navigation of the species. A species I felt I didn’t really have any true control over as far as ‘creativity’ as they were not from my creative mind. No, they were not some creature design project--none of my art really is. These creatures seemed to be more integrated to me than I knew. It’s very easy to claim that for some, especially artists with their own creatures, however, it transcended that feeling very quickly.

With Jarek even down to a zhuard's metallic sternum/keel (chest protrusion) which I, in 2014, strangely made it match his fur in color- it was a mistake on what exactly it was—but I still knew it was there. That the placing was correct. If anything due to shifts and further realizations, hip spurs were not quite a thing, and after 2015 they were gone. Zhuards have not really changed much in their physical form since I've started drawing and describing them. Not intentionally, as I have had information come to me which gave me insight...but never changed their appearance in a drastic way. Their form was something I already knew, and I didn't know how.

That dream was the catalyst for several reoccurring dreams that played out like bits and pieces of a story and still do- rarely allowing me to move as a lucid dream but only at certain points. Such a lady zhuard appeared to me at a similar time, her vibe much more mysterious than the black zhuard. Even now I do not know much about her, but even here in this older drawing, and a drawing from 2019, she was still the same…her vibe was still the same. She still has an unknown meaning to me, and who she was.

https://sta.sh/0fv4jwicrzt

https://www.deviantart.com/thebridgebeyond/art/Clarisse-character-study-794704229

I’ve had several encounters with zhuards through these dreams, and as I was more focused on what my mental and phantom shifts were telling me, something about these constant dreams bugged me. Why was I interacting and getting emotions from these individuals, and more importantly who was I. Any Why did I feel so strongly I would see them again? It felt more like an “unfinished business” thing than anything else.

That's when the realization hit-in one of the dreams, I walked to a pond and looked. I was a zhuard. A dark burgundy zhuard…they called me Allendria. However was that really me? There were many times Allendria felt like me, yet also outside of me—but in those dreams I was her. I didn’t quite know and am still figuring it out. (A post note…I’ve figured things out in 2020..Allendria and I are going through somewhat of an integration process- to one soul, one self. But that’s another story)..

The dreams led me to my chaperone-a spirit that is entwined with yours through destiny. That too was explained to me via a zhuard individual who was much more knowledgeable than me. It made me feel deeply what that meant for zhuards and for those that shared their home. It was like a true twin flame- which may be your friend, enemy or true soulmate and usually stays that way through the lifetimes you meet up…which is not all the time.

When I first had the dream of my chaperone I drew the image of her and I, still in the night and very cozy in a yurt. I was on good terms with her. The next major vision was how we met: her brutally trying to kill me to fulfill a hit on me by someone I did not know. Make of that what you will. Being so kindred over time only made me think that her soul must be like mine-- and she perhaps was a zhuard many times over as well which describes such attraction. I had also found out that she was the niece of the blue mysterious zhuard, Clarisse, and to which quickly some of her family was revealed to me as being indirectly and directly important to my journey.

By mine I mean Allendria’s, who I seemingly was, but also who I feel very integrated with now. I often write her name as third person as I am used to writing things through her eyes- my other eyes, but I had to understand that for some reason, that didn’t sit right. I was used to the zhuard spirit, it felt right, and I have such a feeling that it for the most part transcends whatever other available body this soul resides in—a good fit—all else possibly exploratory. So why then did it feel as if Allen felt a part of me, yet not truly a part of me? I have taken my time in delving into those answers, and will be continuing to do so in this and my physical journal as it is imperative for my mind to understand.

She, my chaperone, Ivan and Clarisse were not the first zhuards to reveal themselves to me over time but there have been some that have truly impacted me, and those who are revealing much about themselves. Even non-zhuards—from stories of others to Allen’s encounter with them. Her encounters became my encounters.

I could not simply write about them without knowing and understanding them or from others. It became a very difficult task—most people who write or draw can do so when the need arises. Write out a character to fit a role...I do not fully have that luxury. Many times I am information-starved. I know a lot on certain individuals, and when they present themselves and their story, through music, through a thought, etc- it is not something that can be stopped. They can be distressing. Yet my strong deep feeling that I will revisit it all—these memories I now call visions as a proper term for them. In hindsight, they are currently memories, but will not always be.


And such began my journey of learning more about zhuards, their forms, etc. Such became a journey about learning who I was, am and will be..

Moving forward...

I knew that this was my new life...

…and I would have to prepare in this current human life. I would remember what I was meant to be. I think about Allendria. Perhaps in actuality my soul is simply being melded to different zhuards in different lifetimes due to its likeness. Zhuards have a human guise so why I'm human now... perhaps I just couldn't find a zhuard vessel this time around and I settled with what was familiar.

I'm not sure how to fully describe it yet but I am much more knowledgeable that several years ago. And there it is...my awakening.

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