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Reborn

I don't doubt that, psychologically, the black drake, form that I use in daydream, is something that is mostly imagination. However, I can't seem to shake off the feeling that although it is imagination, a lot about it is something that I shouldn't shove aside. This phenomenon of my mind is honestly the biggest mystery for me, and I believe that until it will have been cracked open, I probably won't be done with questioning. I've been going back and forth with many theories on that one, but didn't manage to stick with any so far. Perhaps I should try out the spiritual methods that have helped some? I've been going at it in a very analytical, psychological way, like I do for most of myself, but this is perhaps where lie my error.

The main theory that I've used is that the black drake is a sum of my experience, and not an entity of itself. It explains the tendency of my kintypes of appearing through it with arthropod and avian traits, as well as human, popping in and out of it's form. However, I still use it to represent my draconity, whole, because something else doesn't seem to work. But perhaps it being a singular entity, and the sum of my nonhuman experiences are not mutualy exclusive. It's difficult for me to understand how my identity is arranged, and coming from an atheist family, accept the idea that some of it points to a spiritual cause. When I try to accept one, the other make me unsure, and I fall back down to the state i started in.

I am sure I am in some way a roadrunner. I identify as this bird. It seems logical that I show arthropod traits, that I had filed under monstrous, due to the link I had made to pop culture monsters such as the xenomorph. These two seem, for now, to be correct. I'll still let some time pass for arthropods, since a particularly convincing cameo is not to exclude.

So my problem lies not with my animality, which I tend to find easier to identify, but the more sapient and spirit like side of my psyche. It is something that is blurry and that I have trouble piecing together. Should I trust the feeling that arose with the black drake, or what I appeared to have as a child with wyverns? Are the two the same, only under different forms? Or are they separate? I have a feeling of kinship with dragons, but is this a liking born from my childhood that intertwined with my avian nature, or something deeper? I cannot tell for sure what happened for the black drake to arise, and i cannot tell if I had these characteristics before, as my memory is blurred with dreams and false images.

Something recently made me reconsider the theory of a sort of past life, if you can call life the state of an entity that does not live in the planes where life and death truly exist. When I first approached the idea of the black drake, the shapeshifting draconic beast in me, I thought I had been sent there, or came here to rest, having picked a fight too big for me to win. Recently, my grandmother brought back some talks of how I was as a child, some thing I obviously do not remember myself due to time passed. I was definitely a fey child, in a way that captivated my family. I was unafraid of anything, and curious as can be, my eyes darting left and right before I could even lift my head. I learnt to talk in ways that other had not mastered yet very quick, and read books upon books. I adored talking with anyone, and surprised adults with my vocabulary. I'm somewhat proud of this part of myself that I don't remember, because I have not lost that curiosity. I've however grown wary of how the human world works, and although I cannot hold against them their actions like you cannot blame a lion for killing it's adversary's cubs, it's something that settled a seed of distrust, as there are consequences on me that I perhaps had not to worry about before.

I am still fascinated by humans. If I did choose to be here, then I do not blame myself for my past decision. Of all the beings on this earth, I think they are one of my favorite. If I did not choose, then it is lucky I am in such a body capable of reasoning, talking, and creating. Days after days I am fascinated by everything that exists. I do not know if I am young or old, or if souls even exist, but I am happy not to be bored with everything that happens around me.

I don't think I will know so soon how the mystery of my draconity will be solved, but I am happy nonetheless that I am aware that it is at least there.

(Spirituality is still hard. old blog)

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Hemlock
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