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Reflections on a bitter human past: the monster I was

DISCLAIMER: this entry will revolve around a period of my life here in middle school. this isnt something that is easy for me to talk about, and is something that has been on my mind since its happened. I´d like to put a general CONTENT WARNING, and hope you'll understand I am no longer the thing I was once and listen to my ramblings of reflection on my gripes and regrets.







For this entry, we're going all the way back to seventh grade. I was 14, or maybe 15. Those ages all kind of blend together, after all was said and done.
I was your stereotypical edgelord, and so was my first real group of friends. There was 6 or 7 of us, all dressed in our dark clothes and thinking we were hot shit. You know, stereotypical edgy teens. But not all was good in edgeland. Our self-appointed leader, who I will not be naming for reasons that will be clear later, was in a power trip.
I remember how our names were reduced to nothing and it was her way or the highway. But me? I was so happy to finally belong, I didn't care and stuck with it no matter how much anxiety I was given from her. She was, in our eyes, the baddest of the bad. She stole, she brought weapons to school, and so on. She always told us grandiose stories of her misadventures to keep us in line. Looking back, I believe she showed signs of sociopathy, perhaps.


Of course, me and my closest friend in that group were the right and left hand, lifted high on praise and reward. And we felt cared for. The leader practiced witchcraft and I trusted her enough to tell her how I felt nonhuman. This was the year before I actually awoke. Actually, she rose my interest to the craft, so I suppose I can thank her for that interest. I remember us all preforming rituals in the dark in her flea-infested, weed scented house. I remember eating ramen and playing Minecraft and laughing and having a good time. Despite all the bad that came soon, I still remember sometimes fondly. Despite my regrets, I wont deny sometimes having fun. Running the streets at night and feeling free.

But of course, she grew worse. I remember the slow decline. I should have become alert to this when she forced us all to shun a member of the group, who due to her rules, I only remember as "number 7". This was only because they once talked to one of the popular kids. But what did I care, being in power of some degree... I feel ashamed I had a hand in such a thing, now. I took part in that hurt. I shunned someone over something that was so SMALL and not even wrong. And I didn't know how bad it was. I was blind.

Of course, the abuse soon spread to me and my closest buddy. I remember now being forced to strip for random men on camera as I had lost a bet. I remember being shunned for small periods of time and being let back in, showered with what I now know was a false love. But I didn't care, still, I ignored how heavy it was all weighing on my mind, all because I wanted that friendship. Of course, until she hurt my friend.

She offered my friend a false romantic relationship, see. Burned through them, used them as a pawn more than ever until she decided she was done with them. When I saw them crying, the despair that ripped through them, I was angry. It showed, but I stuck around, for their sake as they were still deep under her control. But the others took notice.

and shit hit the fan

One day, in history class, one of the others and I were talking and honestly not doing our work. The conversation turned dark by their choice. I remember, they pressed me for answers. They had asked, if I HAD to kill someone from the group, who would it be and how. Of course I had said I never. But they would. not. let. up. Until under the pressure I cracked and said the leader. Of course, I wouldn't. I would never ever ever do such a thing but I was pressed and I was full of an anger I didn't know how to express right. But they didn stop there. They forced me to move onto the rest in the question, repeatedly stating it was hypothetical and I HAD to answer and all that. I did so because I was a coward, a monster

What I didn't know was it was a set up. They turned and told the leader, who used it as a guise to shun me permanently. But of course thats not all they did. They told the school all I had confided to them. She told them all and also spread rumors about my family that got CPS called. The school kicked me out for a bit convinced I was dangerous. And of course, I believed I was too.
So lead to my first suicide attempt. I still bear a scar from it, a bitter reminder of what I was.

But after a long and bitter fight, I returned to school to finish out the year. However, I was placed in the SPED class with the more violent members, doing work at a kindergarten level, another reminder. I saw eyes on me everywhere I went, the whispers still in my ears to this day.


The next year, I had found the rest of the group had imploded, not surprising now that I think about it. It was starting back then before it all went to shit. The one I was closest with even rejoined me as a friend, both of us now free from the rule. But I didn't know the story of what had really happened until I saw the leader on the news in my first year of high school.

She had picked up the habit of hard drugs and meeting up with random men. Of course, this was a downfall and she had been kidnapped.

Of course, she has since been rescued, but it still makes me think. I had learned that before that she had even become physically abusive to the others, forced them to do the drugs, ect.


This event, all of it, I feel as though it stole something from inside me. My need to help others has grown since then, and in a way thats unhealthy. I only care about others as opposed to myself, something I am working on. There are songs and fandoms I havent touched in years, but I WANT too. I miss my old favorite songs and stories but haven't touched them because the last time I enjoyed them was before it all collapsed on me. I never got to grow out of them naturally, or know if I even would have.
whats really messed up is I blame myself in a way for what happened to her. Deep down I know some lives just cannot be salvaged. But I still wonder, was she truly a monster or suffering sociopathy or was she just hurting like the rest of us? If I had reached out to her would it have ended better for us all?

This is something I've thought about every day since its happened. Im disgusted with myself more than anything, the fact I let myself become a monster, and deep down I feel I still am. I know I still have recovery to do. Bendy has told me I should write this all down and get it off my chest, and I finally took his advice. I do feel a bit lighter, getting it out there.

Thank you for reading, if you did. And I understand if your opinion on me has been lowered, so do as you please.
My past does not define me, but it haunts me. And Im working on being stronger. But it doesn't change what I was. But I can do something about who I am now,

thank you
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Comments

Thank you for sharing, Pearl. If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to PM me. I went through a situation of fake friends I may post later on, but nothing like this.
 
You're very brave for sharing. It seems like you were more of a victim than anything else. You don't have to think of yourself as horrible because of someone else's manipulation. I've been manipulated in similar ways, but when I look back
 
I sent the comment before I could finish, sorry.

... I realize I was just being manipulated. I did what I did because I was scared. Please be gentle on yourself. You deserve the respect you give to everyone else. I'm trying to learn this, too. You're very strong. I hope this helps.
 

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