When I was in middle school, I started being this creature that I now call the black drake. It was rather sudden, and I still half believe most of it is due to it being a sort of coping mechanism born out of isolation. But I'm also not very well versed in how spiritual nonhumanity could potentially appear, so I suppose it can be a reason too, considering the noemata and strange coincidences I've had.

I know I identify as a dragon, or with dragons. Most likely the first. I've seen myself as a dragon for as long as I can remember. I am also most likely a roadrunner, it makes sense, and I have the experience of a roadrunner, even if the lack of shifts in winter make me doubt it from time to time. So what's the deal with the black drake? Is it only a coping mechanism stemming from my draconity, or the source of it? It didn't disappear so far, even if I tried to make it go away by changing how I saw myself in my daydreams, or drew myself, it just keeps coming back. Maybe it's because it's one of those self applied rules I can't break out off. "Remember who you are", I had told to myself, like I had told myself I could not hurt or kill my own body or that my brother must survive at all costs. Most are good, but I can't decide about this one. I associate it with a time I wasn't happy, and now when I try to consciously make the link between it and me, it hurts. I get anxious, like something terrible is going to happen.

"It had teeth to snarl, claws to hit back, but no wings to fly away with." When I used to represent myself in my daydreams or dreams as this creature, it always felt quite vivid, and right. I know how to move while being the black drake. But it was also quite scarred and pitiful. Broken burnt wings turned into weapons to grab and maul, half of the face lost to burns, blind on one side, and always aggressive and ready to bite. I've healed, nowadays, even in daydreams. I don't have most of those scars anymore. Sometimes I still feel a phantom wound on the left side of my face, like someone shot me point blank in the eye and a hole was all that was left. It goes all the way to the other side of my skull. I've wondered for quite a long time if theses lethal scars on an immortal creature were a way for my brain to conjure up a suicide that would have followed my rules.

I've got a whole bunch of noemata linked to that side of me. I know what the black drake is. I just don't know how much of it is daydreams, and how much is something I should keep note off. I know it's a creature from the void. From in between the planes of existence. I know it's made of the same matter as gods and spirits are, only much, much weaker than any main deities. I know it feeds on that same matter that is in bodies, the soul. I know that he does it by hunting down creatures, but that other may have formed packed with thoses creatures, and that the soul does not have to be ripped away violently, it was just easier that way. That gods do that too, and the paradise or valhalla is only one way or another to grow, but that it's not something bad either, the promises they make are respected. That the one who made no deal just sometimes wander in the in between afterward, or go back down to be born again. Even the ones who made a deal can go back, if they honour their part of the deal and leave something behind.

Those are things I believe in as a pagan, but also feel strange believing about. I'm not sure how people who worship deities like the catholic god, or the northen Odin would take it, is it offensive somehow? But I still believe in it, because I feel like I have seen it. When I think of a god I think of a network of beings in one, I think it's why I enjoyed learning about siphonophores, it felt like a weirdly appropriate comparison. I don't think it's possible to kill a god, because there will always be one little thing that keeps it alive, but it's possible for them to be so forgotten that they get reduced and reduced by other creatures and end up as weak as when they were born, to maybe join another network of being.

But back to my personal noemata, and not my belief system. A lot of what I experienced is in between real and false, like how some things can appear in dreams along an incorrect context and environnement, and be changed to a point where it just look like nonsense. I remember being burnt. I remember parasites. I also remember a child, maybe a human, who knows. Someone I liked, and enjoyed the company of, protected maybe. I remember how to hunt with poisons and gases, and have that link to miasma and venom in animals and creatures that I love, from viper to centipedes, and was obsessed with illnesses and scourges as a kid. I questioned being an ill omen, being a bringer of bad luck. The last thing standing on the battlefield, a scavenger picking out the one who are not quite dead yet.

I questioned monitors for their bites, looked at rattlers for their fangs, Thrax for his claw, Envy for his form, and so many other that just keep leading me back to something that looks a bit too much like the black drake once again.

But I also feel like I could be any colors, and mimic voices and behaviors to fit in societies, and learn. So am I a shapeshifter?

I remember the void beings as shapeshifters. I remember the black drake having been deer like and giving it up for it's more reptilian form. Gods are shapeshifters, too. From my time in witchcraft communities, seems a lot of the creatures in nonphysical worlds are. Am I a sort of astral dragon?

Around two years ago, it's what I described myself as to a girl that had asked. A black drake that got sent from the void to earth to recover from it's wounds, for having wanted to take on something bigger than itself. It sounds so dumb. But here am I again I guess.

(still don't know if those are memories or not, and what is true or wrong. Old blog)


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