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transformation gone tactile

in all of its discomfort, i rarely feel horrible in strange animals' bodies. in ways they come as a neat surprise and maybe take a little bit of adjusting to until the phantom sensations go away. for example, i have walked on the legs of a deer with all of its stiff limber, but while temporary such a sensation wouldn't disturb me for long. there have been times where i have been made uncomfortable however. for example the sensation of transforming into my orca-self while on dry fabric is a painful sensation, one that is only relieved by cold water. i have gone great lengths to control such incidents, and while triggers happen i know there are ways to alleviate the dysphoria and act on those urges. i have transformed into plenty of animals and with my experience i have no qualms with the strangest of them.

the other day i had a painful transformation where a phantom nose protruded from the exterior of my face. this nose had the skull stretched in true discomfort, especially felt along the jaw. my jaw was significantly different in shape and i could feel the muzzle overlap it in its bulbous nature. my large incisors were no longer felt, furthering my ache. i couldn't bare the weight of this proboscis as it hung heavy on my face, and in minutes became almost maddening. i could not longer focus on anything else in my body, and the more thought put into this wearisome form, the more realistic the characteristics became. i felt like an ungulate but that is all i could grasp at the time.

it eventually went away. i had to lay down on my back and pretend it died. i could not sustain the form and it was incompatible to me, but telling. there is a reason why such a creature would possess me. at first i thought it simply was a creature i would never be able to define. during a more positive reflection at work, i figured maybe it was the haunting persona of a tapir that had taken hold of me. so that evening, i went home and promptly looked up tapirs.

i've had tapir visitors before, was this one just miserable? in my body, they are usually a lot more comfortable than what i experienced then. and looking at pictures of them only derives fond memories and thoughts; this is a species that is relaxing for me to look at. i am sure my jaguar self likens the image as a cat does to an aquarium.


while large, that isn't the nose i felt. the absence of teeth is a memorable moment in the transformation, so doubts increase as tapir have pronounced teeth. the transformation was so uncomfortable and it became inconclusive, i would just have to accept i may never know and hope it wouldn't be a routine endeavor.

granted, it hasn't happened again yet. but i think the universe wants me to listen because while idly working, i was listening to a video discussing dinocerata. these are ancient prehistoric mammals that diversified after the extinction of the nonavian dinosaurs. while they have no living relative to this day, they had a very strong run and are confusing to place in the evolutionary timeline. of course they find new information on them all the time and have come to some strict conclusions with the evidence of basal species, but all around dinocerata are fascinating beasts of a long-gone era.

the topic of one of the last of the dinocerata, gobiatherium, came up in the discussion. images of the ancient animal came up to view. was this the nose i felt? not exactly, because i feel like the paleoart before me was only touching the surface. gobiatherium lead me down a rabbit hole for a bit. i can only assume that this animal is difficult to reconstruct due to the bizarre structure of its skull. i have to come to terms that reconstruction efforts may not be accurate, though now i am slightly convinced i felt the prominent nose of this animal in all of its horrifying discomfort.


i'm torn between trying to prevent this animal from occupying my body or allow it to transform me, just so i can understand what the heck is up with that snoot


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